Confessions

currensy said:
Hope you be ight @AgentZero I remember a little bit about you wanting to do something with, I think, sports writing?
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Yeah anything related to sports would be a good career path for me, but I'm fine with ending up doing something else. I just feel that a business degree would open more options and likely higher paying ones than if I were to pursue a sports management or communications degree which is why I'm pursuing that.

Since I last spoke to you I actually got a summer internship with an MLB-sponsored NCAA summer league that's based here in VA. Sportswriting/journalism has been the main component, but I've also developed communication skills through routine emails and messages and by conducting interviews. There's also a marketing component as well which is what I want to major in as of right now and will possibly pursue a career in.

I like the new avy 
pimp.gif
 
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I go to church every fathers day for my Great Grandfather... and that's the only time I go.
 
I feel like I need someone to talk to about my problems I just feel out of touch with the world and I just need someone outside of my situation to talk to.
 
we got you, brother
If you'd prefer you can PM me
But I think it's better to post something in the thread (regardless of how extreme it is, or how vulnerable it will make you feel)
Because as much as I think I give good advice, I know that everyone in here, together, can help you even more.

Having no idea what you're going to share-- I'm just letting you know-- it doesn't matter what it is... it's all good.
Idk if you're familiar with the thread, but **** gets real in here
We got brothers in here talking about suicide, shame... ****, a couple pages back I shared something I have never told ANYONE and I'm verrrry forthcoming in real life.
Bipolarbear, huh? I already relate, man. But don't let me speculate.
Go on n do youuuu
 
Thanks for those words up their man. I guess I always felt like I never really belonged anywhere in life honestly like I have friends that I talk to about things but I just feel detached from life as a whole. I just graduated from highschool last week also but I just didn't care for it honestly and when I look around at my friends I think to myself what am I doing and why do i feel like a loner and that I don't belong? Sometimes it doesn't bother me and sometimes I just get really sad thinking about it. I feel like I'm wired differently from other people. And I have nobody to talk to about my problems really. My family don't sympathize with me and I feel like I can't go to my friends about my problems either. And I think it makes me act like an *** to my family and my friends at times even tho I don't mean to be. I'm in Cancun right now with my mom and I started feeling sad about loneliness and when I tell her she thinks I'm joking with her :stoneface: and she thinks I'm an ******* but I feel like I'm back against the wall with these feelings I have. I've thought of the idea of suicide but not really doing it but how can someone think of it you know? I can't see muscled doing it ever but i think of what it would be like. I just need to get this stuff off my chest
 
M4rioL said:
@calikev34
Appreciate your influence and donation of your mind throughout this thread man. thanks
Click to expand...

Thank you. I love it, man.
I studied psychology at uni soooo, yeah- this. is. my. ****.

Everyday in real life I'm always tryna get ppl past small talk, I wanna talk about that REAL.
Especially with the guys I care about
(Because girls do it too much man, they don't need my damn help)
In this society, this patriarchal stoic 50's definition of a man is complete and utter ******** and I hate it.
It takes a MUCH stronger person to unabashedly share their deepest thoughts, regardless of how a person may react.

Like i went back to my college town last month, and my wholeeee clique (my ****** family, bruhs) was on the same lame ****
There's a couple within this group, and their tension is so thick right now that no one even kicks it anymore
So what'd I do? I sat their ***** down and screamed at them and made them say to each other's faces what they'd been tellin the fam behind each other's back
... Like who the **** does that?
:lol: I always relate to Ye, but especially lately-- "God sent me a message, said I'm too aggressive... really?! ME?! Too aggressive?!"

But I have dreams of being a therapist one day, and nothing gets me going like unfiltered real undeniably human conversation.
So even though I hate this soft-***-[anti]social-network generation, I'll take what I can get when it comes to people baring the honest truth.
Even if that means on an anonymous message board.
Because you know what? It feels sooooo damn good to let it out man...
It's like, a lot of people don't see the mind/body connection
You're thoughts are just like food man, you stay bottled up, and- you're gunna feel terrible!
Your mind can be constipated with grief ! And you're LITERALLY killing yourself if you don't let out the bad ****.
The beautiful thing is, you don't need a diuretic! Let those words flow, and you feel that relief, and you'll know... "Damn, that felt good."
This thread is a tool. We can all use it in that way.
My life is better with therapy. That therapy can take many different forms. All I know is when I don't have an outlet... I go ******* crazy.


When me and my brother get really really down, we go up to the mountains behind my house
We pick up a rock, and we let out all the negative **** that's holding us back, at the end of it we're yelling at this damn rock, and then we hurl that rock as far as we can and scream as loud as our lungs allow and we let. it. all. go. Whew!
Catharsis , brahs. That's what it's alllllll about.
 
seandon23 said:
Thanks for those words up their man. I guess I always felt like I never really belonged anywhere in life honestly like I have friends that I talk to about things but I just feel detached from life as a whole. I just graduated from highschool last week also but I just didn't care for it honestly and when I look around at my friends I think to myself what am I doing and why do i feel like a loner and that I don't belong? Sometimes it doesn't bother me and sometimes I just get really sad thinking about it. I feel like I'm wired differently from other people. And I have nobody to talk to about my problems really. My family don't sympathize with me and I feel like I can't go to my friends about my problems either. And I think it makes me act like an *** to my family and my friends at times even tho I don't mean to be. I'm in Cancun right now with my mom and I started feeling sad about loneliness and when I tell her she thinks I'm joking with her :stoneface: and she thinks I'm an ******* but I feel like I'm back against the wall with these feelings I have. I've thought of the idea of suicide but not really doing it but how can someone think of it you know? I can't see muscled doing it ever but i think of what it would be like. I just need to get this stuff off my chest
Click to expand...


Let me just say, that I would love for you to be as detailed as possible.
You just graduated from HS, okay. Have you decided what you're doing after?
Have you ever been given a diagnosis from a shrink?
Only reason i ask is because of the "bipolarbear" thing.
Let me just say that a diagnosis can ruin somebody's mind, and it's sad how doctors throw them around so goddamn easily.

Also, what did you do in HS? I was a jock for the first 17 years of my life... AND I'VE NEVER LIKED SPORTS.
I had a friend tell me: "Bro you we're good on the pitch, but I could always see it in your eyes- you hated it out there"
But I never questioned it. I just knew I have an insane drive to compete, and I loved the brotherhood I had with my teammates.
Never knew I could get that somewhere else, bc young people rarely take the time and effort to analyze and question themselves.

But my main activity was sports and drugs (always had issues) and girls (I've never been inclined towards promiscuity).
So I would get trashed and have meaningless hook ups that weren't ever worth the self loathing that followed.
But being so young and so oblivious, I just did what everyone else did. yaknow? Blindly following anything is terrible.
So I just did all these things that were making me feel awful about myself...
And then I had the audacity to ask myself why I was unhappy??
It's because I wasn't doing what I wanted to do.
Nietzsche's granite foundation of his teachings has always been: "Become who you ARE."

Took me while, and I'm still on that journey
but it wasn't until college that I found theatre. I found psychology. I found a group of ppl that became my family (Never been close to my parents or sister, never had a legit intimate serious real talk with them where I felt understood).
I had always loved to perform, but I only knew that in an abstract way. And I have studied the mind and it's workings before I even knew what to call it!
So, you may not have been exposed to what you love. And that's to no fault of your own.
It's rare that people find it in HS. I'm always jealous of the ones that did.
And don't just mean knowing what your major is
I mean the geographic location that suits you, the social groups and types of people that allow you to flourish, the activities that bring the best out in you- everythinging man.
That's why i'm so big on college.
**** a degree. **** student debt and mother **** money limiting our lives.
College is about self discovery and finding out who you are.
(I wouldn't normally be so adamant about university without knowing your situation, but being that you graduated and your family has a good enough financial standing to leave the country I'm going to assume it's a possibility for you.


In modern America, the gap between adolescence and adulthood has widened.
Technically an adult, but I'm telling you-- I'm still a teenager
thats why I hate when some describes what you're going through as simply "teen angst"-- "Ohh, you'll get over it"
I ask those simple minded ***** to tell me how I'm feeling teen angst, but I'm no longer in my teens
This time in your life, developmentally is so important because it's so extreme
And this feeling of existential crisis (What lies ahead for me? What am I going to do with my life? Who am I? What matters? Does anything matter?) is such a huge weight. I'd say that mortality is the biggest weight a man can feel and that goes without a doubt.
Hunter S Thompson said it best: "maybe I should say that I feel a rubber sack coming down on me... purely symbolic, you know... The Fear."

You really just gotta go to a pool hall, and not billiards either. Swimming pools, mannnnn
A pool hall with alll kindsssssss of different pools- different locations, temperatures, sizes, and feels
Life is about diving in, swiming around, seeing if you like it- if you do, great! Keep swimming (but know that nothing lasts forever)
But if you don't like the pool you're in, you gotta get out! And then (this is the hardest and most important part) jump into another one!
But it's so hard bc we're evolutionary creatures and we form habits and like the familiarity of those habits and will (subconciously) do anything to avoid change.
Like, yo. My mom had 10 w-2s the year after she graduated.
As in, she had ten different jobs in one year, because she didn't know what she wanted but she knew was searching for something.
And she found it eventually, her dream job, but dude! It took sooo many swings at the plate before she finally knocked that ball out of the park.

Okay, big thing I wanna stress here.
Suicidal thoughts are completely 100% natural and an inherent part of life.
Reminds me of a scene from Enemy of the Sate with Will Smith- where some dickhead is interrogating him on his past trangsressions
And Will goes: "You ever beat off in the shower? Ever have homosexual thoughts?"
People are LYING if they say that they have never thought about suicide. Thinking about death is inherent to the living.

"I feel like I'm wired differently from other people. And I have nobody to talk to about my problems really."

Having this nature to accept the dark depression will make you cherish the people who do understand.
I've been on this earth for 22 years, and i have found a grand total of three other human beings that actually GET it.
So, you do have people to talk to. They're hard to find, but when you catch one- you'll know. I promise. Is there anyone in your life right now that you feel fits there?
And you know what bro? Look at all the greats
Most of em had a terrbile time in HS (or they faced some other type of B S growing up and it made them exactly what they are today- hunger for more.)
If you we're one of these sunshine babies that never gets sad, you think you'll ever have the drive to achieve anything?
No! because it's always been peachy, and they see no reason to have the ambition to make any real changes.

Lemme tell you something. You ARE wiredly differently then other people. But, let me tell you something else
Its a goddamn gift. Those that look death in the face are the only ones that can truly live.
Also, naturally, it is your cross to bear because you may dwell on this negative **** more than "most people do"
Yo, I hate to keep quoting ****, but sometimes it's perfect
Alice: "Have I gone mad?"
Her dad: "I'm afraid so... you're mad. Bonkers. Off your head... but I'll tell you a secret... all of the best people are."


Graduating from HS and going to Cancun and being unsatisfied with your life, and it's so bad that you can't truly enjoy the amazing place you're in.
Damn. I know that feeling.
I graduated college and went straight to Europe for a month... and i was in such a bad place mentally, that i COULDNT EVEN ENJOY PARADISE. the place i had been dreaming about for year. Isn't that sad?
soMEONE CAN SAY-- "HEY MAN! you're in cancun, bro go get drunk and talk to some hot young latinas"
which is great
dont get me wrong, it may be that simple for some people
But those people that flip that switch and just snap on "happy mode" and all of a sudden they're at a spongebob level of happiness
Let me tell you something. Those people have the wonderful ability to lie to themselves. you do not.
Those people can go- ah! I'm on vacation, time to be happy!
But dude, that isn't possible. But they have conditioned themselves to believing that it is
[Going back to the god of existentialism, again] Nietzsche said "I have black periods. One might say I have the courage to have them."

Know that, brother. You are strong for the simple fact that you are willing to deal with this heavy feeling, regardless if it takes a toll or not.
But whatever you keep shoving down inside of you is going to poke iot ugly little head out sooner or later and you'll be forced to deal with it.

I hope my personal experiences helped.
I went that route because you're thoughts and worries seem rounded and vague at this point.
Because what i gather, you're in the beginning of a transition in your life, and a very important one at that.
but you're shook right now (for lack of a better word)
The great beyond of your future is staring you right in the face man, of course it's scary.
But that fear of taking the next step can cripple you to the point that you're scared to move at all. And being that rattled is something that I don't want to see happen to you.
All you need was to have some confidence instilled in you and that everything that you're feeling is okay.

Any specifics, though- any other worries you want to share-- and I got you, Bro Montana.
 
Man, i didn't know finding a job was this hard. Had one last year, my first at 5 Guys, from July to November and haven't found work since. Prolly applied to 200+ places and only got 1 interview which didn't lead to anywhere.
 
The main reason why i'm on NT so much is that i don't have any friends/social life and it's hard for me to go out and meet people so i just stay on forums where my opinion can actually mean something

Then i go and try to cheer my insecure *** by consolidating my looks by going on pof/okc/tinder/add random girls from my city on fb and they always turn me down, so i go into a self hating spiral

My vices are video games, humiliating my bro for a laugh and jacking off, cause i ain't gon see **** for a long time

I'm really clingy and if i don't have someone to talk to for a while, i get depressed
 
calikev34 calikev34 thanks for that post brother I needed to just let out how I was feeling and its the first time I could say I ever did this. I never talk about my feelings with my family and my family is no help with that. They never sympathize with me and treat my problems like they aren't a big deal because I'm "well off" even tho she always stresses me out about money and how I should do something that will get me a job right out of college rather than something that will make me happy. I feel that any support from my family when it comes to supporting me through an emotional struggle is non existent which makes me feel that fleeing of being loneliness and a sense of helplessness. I've had thoughts after college to stop talking to my family because I don't have a great relationship with my family at all so I feel that it wont affect me either way. The only close family member I ever had was my grandmother but when she passed away (RIP) I felt like I lost the one person I could go to for anything
 
Andretti said:
RoOk said:
Anybody been diagnose with depression?
Click to expand...
Haven't been to a doctor about it but went through that ****

It was rough yo


You ight man?
Click to expand...

Yeah man im good..just thinking i may suffer from it. No idea why man..im healthy, good living, fun life, loving fam, handsome, etc.

But something aint right..too many thoughts i get that i shouldnt if you catch my drift. Its getting worse and worse..
 
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RoOk said:
 
Andretti said:
 
RoOk said:
Anybody been diagnose with depression?
Click to expand...
Haven't been to a doctor about it but went through that ****

It was rough yo


You ight man?
Click to expand...
Yeah man im good..just thinking i may suffer from it. No idea why man..im healthy, good living, fun life, loving fam, handsome, etc.

But something aint right..too many thoughts i get that i shouldnt if you catch my drift. Its getting worse and worse..
Click to expand...
Sometimes you can just get stuck in your daily routine or your environment. From what you describe it doesn't sound bad, but it could be the same old thing day in and day out and you've reached a stagnant point in your life.

For me the more productive I am and the more I'm working towards a certain goal, the less time I have for thoughts like those since I'm staying busy. If you're making progress towards bettering yourself you put the wheels in motion to overcome that stagnancy.

You have set of close friends? Little do they know it, but without mine I don't know how I would've gotten through some tough times.
 
RoOk said:
Andretti said:
RoOk said:
Anybody been diagnose with depression?
Click to expand...
Haven't been to a doctor about it but went through that ****

It was rough yo


You ight man?
Click to expand...

Yeah man im good..just thinking i may suffer from it. No idea why man..im healthy, good living, fun life, loving fam, handsome, etc.

But something aint right..too many thoughts i get that i shouldnt if you catch my drift. Its getting worse and worse..
Click to expand...

Anything in your past that feel you haven't received closure from? I feel like that's the root of my depression.
 
I've been sleeping with a married woman for the past month...





And we work together....







SMH
 
I met an awesome chick at work yesterday. She was telling me how she graduated from SCU a year ago and is just now moving back into San Jose. I'm 19 and was too scared to ask her out :smh:
 
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