Confessions

[gotjz]

Have a ton of these and due to my somewhat solitary lifestyle, so they tend to stick with me forever and not actually confessed to anyone lol. Will try and off-load these here in pieces.

1. People are closer to me than I am to them. Have a number of people who would hit me for advice/help but actually know almost nothing pertaining to what's going on with me or what I may be going through. To their credit though, I keep things within so I never volunteer any information or whatever.

2. I'm approaching the point in my life where I feel like certain things are just not really in these deck of cards for me. (Marriage, kids, etc.) But I love kids, and the idea of having someone by your side through this lfie.

3. Had a little situation where I needed someone, anyone (not named Mom, Dad, Sis,) to help scoop me. Wasn't able to get anyone, and even when thinking about who to call after the first call made I was actually stumped. Opened my eyes to how alone I truly am.

4. A few dudes like to call me to go out with them (usually I'm the preferred wingman), but it's weird to me because I don't really have great luck with women. And the bars, lounges, day parties aren't really my scene. I'm just not the type of guy most of those girls (or any girl really) is looking for

5. Weird feeling of slightly thinking women like to look at me, but aren't ever really into me. I always think women are trying to fulfill something or cross out something from their bucket list when dealing with me lol.

6. Most girls I find attractive, I just can't tolerate being around/communicating with them too long. All the reality show BS, attending strip clubs, day parties, etc I just don't have a desire for nor can keep up. So I already know I'm too "boring" for them.

7. Only had 2 GF's in my life. Dealt with countless others. With any girl I spend a considerable amount of time with, her and I both know and witness the growth of the female. It's almost like I make them that much doper for the next guy lol. But for whatever reason, it makes me happy regardless. Saw a pic of my last ex and her new BF and my heart just melted with how happy I was for her and him. Only want to see them last forever. Both did try and get back at a point, but I couldn't do it. Never really end things with girls on a sour note...

8. Pretty much at the point now where I've kind of given up on finding that true companionship (male or female) that has years invested into that foundation. Don't even desire it much anymore and am getting closer to complacency everyday in regards to the lack of those types of relationships. I still consider that a 1st world problem and I'm not starving so really no room for me to complain.

9. Bit of a continuance of 8, but currently I'm finding myself rejecting thoughts, ideas, and pursuits in an attempt not to interfere with anyone's happiness, pursuit of, or potential finding of it. All my focus is going into impacting society positively in a major way. To get my fix of the other stuff, I'll probably live vicariously through others.

Ex: Met a pretty greek/swedish cocktail waitress at a bar I was watching the game at by myself. Her and her friends sat with me and I chopped it up with the dudes. She gave me her card and said it had her cell on there. And to also hit her up if I ever wanted to visit their club. But, it's not even worth the pushing of buttons lol. They were so happy and jubilant at the bar and instead of potentially being a deterrent, I'm happy with just being a memory they have of that time for however long the memory lasts.

10. With all the confessions I listed, I still feel guilty the moment I ever feel like I've experienced even the tiniest sad/down emotion due to my "issues" because I know ppl have and have had it much worse than I in regards to poverty, death, sickness, oppression, etc so I try to keep it in perspective.

Sorry for the long post and all the girl related confessions lol. Thanks!

 

[Naruto]

I feel you. I broke up with this chick about 3 years ago and I still think about her everyday.

I don't have a problem getting girls I just can't shake this one, even though some of the girls I have taken down since her look way better. I just don't get it.

I feel y'all, might be mixed with guilt tho the way I threw her out of my life with 0 regards at all. I guess this is what I deserve. Something about guys wanting what they can't have, its always gonna sting unless you get into a good relationship and/or understand you can't always have what you want.


The current female I am with just isn't working. I have 0 balls, I can't find the power to dump her.

 

[al audi]

gotJz damn man....................i feel you on a lot of those

this thread is crazy how some of you guys in here type out how i feel about a lot of things

feels good actually, ya know.....other ppl have the same feeling when you think it is just you

 

[al audi]

This thread is underrated
In a good way

agreed

 

[gotjz]

gotJz damn man....................i feel you on a lot of those

this thread is crazy how some of you guys in here type out how i feel about a lot of things

feels good actually, ya know.....other ppl have the same feeling when you think it is just you

Didn't know or think anyone would. Crazy.

 

[al audi]

Didn't know or think anyone would. Crazy.

no man

real life very

i just read over all the points again

its actually creepy how spot on with the feels you gave me

who are you? are you my twin? if you go to the gym you just might be

 

[Mark Antony]

For you fellas and the one ex you can't shake, why not test the waters? Question, not a suggestion.

 

[Mark Antony]

gotJz damn man....................i feel you on a lot of those

this thread is crazy how some of you guys in here type out how i feel about a lot of things

feels good actually, ya know.....other ppl have the same feeling when you think it is just you

Word, a few similarities there. Its like the diatribe of a socially well adjusted introvert.

 

[gotjz]

no man

real life very

i just read over all the points again

its actually creepy how spot on with the feels you gave me

who are you? are you my twin? if you go to the gym you just might be

Haha. Then maybe we are .And I'm in the process of hitting the gym hard. Going to start this week. Figured it would be a great way to let off whatever I need to in something I could see clear, concise results.

 

[gotjz]

Word, a few similarities there. Its like the diatribe of a socially well adjusted introvert.

Yep, well put. Weird thing is I enjoy being around people particularly attractive women. But if my feelings are more common than I thought, I definitely have nothing to be tripping about.

 

[al audi]

Yep, well put. Weird thing is I enjoy being around people particularly attractive women. But if my feelings are more common than I thought, I definitely have nothing to be tripping about.

same........an i actually have more female acquaintances than males real life

socially well adjusted introvert.

well put

 

[rhythm808]

Here is a confession....

I regret quitting acting as a child.  I was literally the most booked 5 year old in the entire NYC in the 1990s...just got burnt out and wanted to experience my childhood......now I'm 23 and look back at quitting as a pivotal point in my life........I could have had over $1 million right now, but instead I'm sitting on a cool $70,000 and have to grind like everyone else that has a normal job...

 

[Mark Antony]

You could've had a v8.

 

[rhythm808]

You could've had a v8.

I still can

 

[mangudai954]

Here is a confession....


I regret quitting acting as a child.  I was literally the most booked 5 year old in the entire NYC in the 1990s...just got burnt out and wanted to experience my childhood......now I'm 23 and look back at quitting as a pivotal point in my life........I could have had over $1 million right now, but instead I'm sitting on a cool $70,000 and have to grind like everyone else that has a normal job...

Even at this age the idea of having to work a 9-5 is horrifying. Its so inhibiting.

 

[rhythm808]

Even at this age the idea of having to work a 9-5 is horrifying. Its so inhibiting.

Agreed.  It could be worst....I mean I make good money for my job...not some minimum wage job it is actually a career but getting my picture taken was a much easier way to earn money 

 

[whywesteppin]

Here is a confession....


I regret quitting acting as a child.  I was literally the most booked 5 year old in the entire NYC in the 1990s...just got burnt out and wanted to experience my childhood......now I'm 23 and look back at quitting as a pivotal point in my life........I could have had over $1 million right now, but instead I'm sitting on a cool $70,000 and have to grind like everyone else that has a normal job...

Even at this age the idea of having to work a 9-5 is horrifying. Its so inhibiting.

Seriously? I used to be that way, but now I can't imagine working less than 12 hours a day. And I don't ever want to retire.

3 caveats: 1) I just don't know what to do with myself when I have free time. 2) I enjoy my work. 3) I don't have kids. I value freedom much more than anything. i.e. I'd rather work 120 hours/week with the option to take off when I want and to be my own boss, rather than work 8-5 every weekday and have to answer to someone.

edit: I think I need a hobby or a girl

 

[mangudai954]

A big part of it is I really value my free time.

 

[al audi]

You can't imagine working less than 12 hrs a day.......good lord.......

 

[heat on daily]

Here Goes a few:

-I love yambs and they love me to (if I actually try) but a lot of times I just DGAF and am also often scared that these lil fast **** gon' have somethin

-I know a lot of y'all have no conscience, but I actually feel ratchet whenever I hit & quit a girl

--I also can't run through too many girls for this same reason. I feel like a user and my conscience gets heavy

-I like finding good girls that ain't ran through cuz I can smash with no rubber and still feel at peace

-I suck at cutting em off once I'm over em (I be feelin guilty)

-I don't ever want to quit blazing, but I feel like I have to, to really hit that level of success I want

-I'm 22, but I'll be 23 on the 22nd of this month, and damn why do I feel like I'm getting so old, as if kids and marriage are around the corner

 

[al audi]

Here Goes a few:

-I love yambs and they love me to (if I actually try) but a lot of times I just DGAF and am also often scared that these lil fast **** gon' have somethin

-I like finding good girls that ain't ran through cuz I can smash with no rubber and still feel at peace

-I suck at cutting em off once I'm over em (I be feelin guilty

yep

 

[ZlatanIbrahimovic]

I'm waaaaay too nice to people 

 

[calikev34]

gotjz

I can't even explain how much I relate to your post
especially , #1, #3, and #5.

Word, a few similarities there. Its like the diatribe of a socially well adjusted introvert.

so well said. awesome food for thought.




Well, here we go. In a completely different direction.
About 20 minutes ago I was having a panic attack and contemplating going to the ER.
I thought it would be healthy for me to purge. I've been pent up to say the least.
So i threw up. ALl these words into this text box-- complete stream of consciousness--and then i thought it would be healthy for me to share. good for me, yaknow?
so here it goes

I've been up all night, and I'm wildly emotional right now
so,
complete disclosure. im sure ppl on here will give me **** but I can't do "partials" anymore
like ricky williams said -- "99% of the truth is a lie"

Spoiler: Warning: Spoiler!

death has been on my mind constantly
i swear to god I think i am going to die. my last plane ride had my writing furiously

i have been doing a fair amount of drugs drinking and really not sleeping much
take that for what it's worth. also though, it's not an amount I'm unfamiliar with (I've definitely had bigger binges)


ive always done the hypochondriac thing, where if i stay up all night and im all ****** up , like 30% of the time i take a dark turn and end up reading about a-fib, STDs that will make you sterile, and a lot of personality disorders


lately ive tried to make it a point of being myself or "embracing my crazy"
ive been scared to bear my true self because of judgment for most of my time on earth
the comment that I hear the most from people is that im "weird" (romantic interests, platonic friends, acquaintances, teachers)
ive always felt like im crazy, and the way ppl
i dont want to get into specific diagnoses at this time
bi polar said one shrink. depressed said another. adhd everyone seemed to agree on.
i take a lot of adderall. i want xans. and i miss weed. used to smoke everyday in HS
idk when it flipped but now EVERYTIME i smoke I get paranoid


anyways , my goal has been to be 100% honest and genuine to myself and my true feelings unabashedly
but its so ******* hard for me to constantly be judge by my "friends" in this ******* town.
i moved here after college, knowing no one in the state.
i was unhappy after grad/euro trip, i was treating it like "rehab" i guess. mental rehab.


i masturbated yesterday for the first time in two weeks. i rarely do it. but i stilll think that psychologically, i have so many neuroses that prevent me from having a healthy sexual relationship ummmmmmm


ive engaged in some sexual **** that a lot of ppl would think less of me for. dumb stuff that a lot of ppl would call me an idiot for. my therapists always make it their #1 priority to try to make me have safe sex. ill never use a condom. i dont believe in it. and i guess i really do think im invincible
I've gotten chlamydia once, and i think ghonnorea was the other time. idk i was 16 or 17. whatever. I've been burnt at least twice
I've also never used a condom in my life.
remember that hypochondriac **** i was talking about earlier?
I have this fear that surfaces when i get in too deep that I've had an STD since I was 13


i only share this with open minded ppl (mostly my artist friends) but Ive been with men and women
i get obsessed with pushing myself to doing things even if Im uncomfortable
the trouble is that challenging yourself and forcing yourself can get strangely muddled and weird
worst part is that i dont even enjoy the sex bc I honestly don't even want to be doing it

my issue is always comfortability
ive almost never gotten hard with a girl the first time im with her. unless I'm at the perfect level of intoxication.
the other reason that i needed to share the thing about girls/guys is bc logically one could suggest that I'm a homosexual if I am not comfortable with girls
but ive tried it all, and the issue is me. it is not my stimulus. this is what scares the ******* **** out of me.


i just have engrained in my mind and i cant get it out that sex is wrong
and maybe not sex , in a broad sense , but i always feel like im decieving a girl bc I knw I'm using her. or that if I was honest she wouldn't let me have her in this way
she wouldnt give herself to me if she knew what i was really thinking (this is a common and reoccuring thought)

i've always envied guys like russell brand who are able to be open and sexual, and completely comfortable with sharing themselves in that way
a lot of my black friends are like that as well. they think im ******ed when I tell them my issues.
the psychology major and freud fanatic in me believes that it has a lot to do with being comfortable with your mother.
im not trying to turn this into a race thread, just going to say that in general black guys seem to have great bonds with their moms (at least from my perspective, and when I compare to how me/my mom are)

at this point in my ****** up sex life I HAVE to be drunk to be comfortable enough to have sex
Even with my girl. AnD I guess I have a few. Idk. I've never ended things with a girl I've been with. and if you asked them I'm sure They'd say that we love each other, or at least have feeing for each other

ive always felt like traumatized. something i've said for years is it's I'm like a rape victim, but I'm missing the event. i never got raped.




god this was long as hell and i never stay on topic, so if you read it, thanks.and i mean that.
I also realize that your honest reaction may be to tell me to talk to a therapist.
i will. im going to one tomorrow for the first time in a long time.
id love to hear what anyone thinks, I'd just ask that you respect me because I've never shared this with anyone.
i debated deleting all of this right now. thatd be the easy way out i think
ah. **** it.

 

[suberzat1]

I will post some confessions when I get back to the city but I will say I don't trust most females. I'm not sure if I'm afraid of commitment but there is this one chick I should make officially I just come up with excuses for why not.

She has a lot of attributes I like such has height, fashion, and ambition. This is more for TAY but I will contribute to this thread.

 

[Remy LeBeau]

After a long conversation with my brother (12 years older) I see that I haven't been wrong about our mother, things are annoying and at some point something has to change. It's sad that she doesn't get it and probably never will but pride is a silent killer.