c money 88 05
Don't be so hard on yourself, my guy. Honestly, from reading your post in its entirety, I harkened back to a few years ago where I was in the same exact situation. Literally everything you described, I did..I thought, nah..I just KNEW she was the one lol, let it slip away (froze like Bron against the Mavs smh), simped, all that...couldn't accept (or, more importantly, counteract) her leaving at the time because I was so green in female situations. Enough about me tho...pretty sure you didn't write a letter to your chick while playing Take Care && then go deliver it personally, so trust && believe you could've done worse
...IMO you've still got a decent chance.
But...what you gotta ask yourself is...do you REALLY want to be back with her, or is it a case of wanting what you don't have at the moment? I get the vibe that it's more of the former, so, the next question would be...are you willing to sacrifice your 'friendship' (I use that term VERY lightly in this case, because females are great in terms of articulating BS rhetoric) in an attempt to do so? Because it's possible that you'll have to do just that. Right now, your best bet is to cease any && all contact for at least a month (delete contact info && text history if you have to).....she'll likely hit you up within a few weeks, which is what you want. But you initiating the convo at this point isn't gonna help, you'll just be pushing && she'll be trying to pull away even more. Dive into a hobby, go out with friends, etc, && let her come to you, breh...that way, you'll be already progressing towards moving on for good && finding someone better if, in fact, y'all don't get back together.
Keep me posted man, here to help if need be. Either way, good luck my dude.
So 2 weeks later I'm back, first off thanks @Toretto & @eyeseesoles for the words(sorry if anyone else commented, I was just not in a huge reading mood but happened to see theirs.
That first week was HARD, & I worked out harder than I have been able to all this year due to injuries & just a mindset change. My body was loving it & hating it at the same time, but it kept me busy. I went out to watch games by myself or with people, stayed strictly focused at work, made a lot of changes to the way I approached everything I was doing. Finally got rid of my 2nd car that was nothing but a liability, have a plan in place to maybe move, sold a pair of shoes I probably needed to sell but made up excuses to keep, started reading a book for the first time since we were FORCED to read in HS, deleted all my texts/pics of her in my phone(well in my camera roll, can't lie I do still have them on my phone in a separate locked app...), & I've been focusing just on talking to more people/being more open & honest with myself/my feelings about things.
So far everything has been pretty ok, me & her are still somewhat friends but I keep a lot of distance between us. I love her a lot still for sure so it has been kinda tough just letting her go, but when we talk she brings up a lot of changes she's making & "him"(her new guy that she's talking to) so it's somewhat easy to break the thought of her really in that aspect. Part of me knows I would still do anything for her to this day, but I quoted this response in particular because you mentioned something Toretto...you asked me "if I REALLY want to be back with her or is it a case of wanting what I don't have at the moment"...and I really do want her, I would marry her, spend my life with her, & everything...but part of me thinks we don't work all that well with each other which is why things were how they were in the first place with us kinda in a holding cell just stuck stupidly in love but not growing. I miss her still, I miss trying to make things work with her, & I would spend the rest of my life trying to make things work with her if things came to it & I'd be just fine...but that's not the way I should be looking at it & since she's moved on & I've seen how much less stress there is on both her and me & how much happier she is now that she's not dealing with all this craziness it's making me feel somewhat better too.
Can't remember if I said this initially but the thing I always told her is I care about her being happy more than ANYTHING else, her happiness was always & forever going to be mission #1, even if that meant removing myself from the situation. Well I guess this was calling my bluff because that's exactly what's happening, but I really am cool with it(well let me be honest, another part of the last 2 weeks has been this bipolar *** Jekyll & Hyde personality imbalance & the Jekyll side of me is cool...Hyde is ready to **** **** up lol) but I'm really cool with things with her because I can tell she's really happier now after getting past things with us. It's bittersweet knowing she's happier without me but I would only be selfish to wanna put myself back in a position with her where she wasn't as happy. Maybe she'll see the changes in me one day & if things play out that way we can revisit being with each other, but I can't want that for her now if this new guy & the changes she's going out & making are leaving her happier now. It has brought me to peace in 1/2 of my brain(but Hyde is still fighting with me now even, chick literally drove me crazy man).
I have started talking to other females, that's also helping a lot more, & I think dealing with this situation will help a lot in the long run(but I gotta get back there first & not mess up the early stages lol), it's crazy how life is sometimes...how love is...our emotions & all this other stuff.
& Also man...I didn't write a letter while listening to take care & personally deliver it to her but that week we were on the break before all this went down I wrote this poem "inner thinking" that basically put into words how my heart was feeling. I sent it to her that day everything went down so she'd kinda see how I was really feeling inside, then we had the talk we did later that day. It was a similar level I imagine haha, you are not alone!
you know what...**** it, I'm posting it here. Just because:
"Inner Thinking"
I never mentioned the way I think about the way you look at me/
with those eyes that seem to look right through my inner-most thoughts that I always tried to hide/
& how I try to return the same but fall to putty in your presence/
because like my favorite present I'm giddy with joy as if I'm 8 or 9./
The truth is I savor every moment I have the eyes of the most beautiful woman/
even in moments you leave me gasping-breathless-you send my heart floating.../
listen again, I mean your look captures my soul & empties my body where I then fill it with excitement for your existence so excited.../
you don't get it you've taken control of my every breath as "I" died inside & I'm grateful for it for your every moment you've given me new life knowing "WE"./
Is this love? This might go deeper, I don't know these levels but I'm well-equipped so I guess that's for you to see/
to think, feel out, to have your doubts & prove I'm really about/
just know I have a lot to go for & nothing to lose if I've already lost you/
so be ready for your outlandish because that's nothing more than my starting mount./
Just on the pitcher's mound prepping for what'll be my first no hitter/
& win the heart of my lifetime on a grand slam in the name of your victory.../
thing is though you don't know the game being played it's a mystery.../
guess it wasn't meant to be./
But those moments, they were close to perfection & all too precious/
nothing short of astounding but still nothing worthy of your acknowledgement/
alas a goddess amongst mortals you rule over my better judgement/
& loyal I serve to please & smile hoping you see me as your better man...but do you see it though?/
BUT DO YOU SEE IT THOUGH???/ Ugh. I feel as if there's another level to this, problem is this is a game of SHOW and TELL & I can do neither/
like ether dripping through my organs my time is expiring with the loss of every missed evening/
until the untimely death of the unified love that was left unborn...& I wish you could see the expressions of my inner thinking.
realized that it makes me so complacent in life when I'm at a point where I'm trying to achieve goals. I've only been clean for a week, just drinking water any time I feel like smoking and I've bought some stat flush from Starship that's suppose to be a masking agent for about 5 hours just in case the job calls me for the piss test before I'm naturally clean...
Those days were agonizing tho
