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Mad late.. I get it now.. Couldn't figure out how adele and a computer related..
Anyone Got Jokes. Part 2
- Thread in 'General' Thread starter Started by Spectacular23,
- Start date
T Lo Sweater
formerly troyd
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Try putting a carrot in a black guys *** when hes asleep. That is a automatic death sentence on the street
Todd was asleep so we stuck a carrot in his ***. Put shavin cream on his balls
Todd was asleep so we stuck a carrot in his ***. Put shavin cream on his balls
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Whats the difference between sarah palins mouth and her vagina?
Only 1/5 of the things that come out of her vagina are ******ed.
Only 1/5 of the things that come out of her vagina are ******ed.
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What did Barrack say to Michelle before they got married?
"I dont wanna be OBAMA selffffff.."
"I dont wanna be OBAMA selffffff.."
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lordofcastamere
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Two friends are camping in the woods one goes to take a leak and gets bit by a snake on his...... He run back to his friends to get help . His friends call the doctor and ask him how to help his friend doc says you go to suck the poisin out. He hangs up and tell his friend
Aye man you gonna die
Aye man you gonna die
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So a horse walks into the bar
And the bartender asks
"Hey why the long face"
(-_-)
And the bartender asks
"Hey why the long face"
(-_-)
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Crying legit tears breh lmaoooo
ayzee
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This thread brought the much needed lulz
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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
...She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"
...She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"
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Guy walks into a bar and orders a dozen shots of tequila. The bartender says that's a sh-- load of drinks, and asks the guy what the occasion is.
"I had my first blowjob today," he says, and the bartender tells him the thirteenth one is on the house then.
Guy says "Thanks, but if twelve shots doesn't get the taste out, nothing will."
"I had my first blowjob today," he says, and the bartender tells him the thirteenth one is on the house then.
Guy says "Thanks, but if twelve shots doesn't get the taste out, nothing will."
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Ok my last round of woman hating jokes was deleted so I'll try again 86'ing the profane ones
why couldn't helen keller drive a bus?
Because she's a woman
How do you fix a broken dishwasher?
kick her
Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them
Whats takes up 12 parking spaces?
6 Women drivers
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
because they can't stand to see a man happy
Why don't women wear watches?
there's a clock on the stove
What's the difference between arguing with a woman and a knife?
the knife has a point
What's a womans favorite book?
Her husbands checkbook
Why did god create lesbians?
so feminists couldn't breed
what do women and roads have in common?
they both have manholes
whats a womans favorite sleeping position?
around
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look better?
Put a nippel on it
What do you call a women who can't make a sandwich?
single
Whats the difference between a wife and a gf?
about 45 pounds
What's 6 inches long, two inches wide, and makes women go crazy?
100 dollar bill
Whats got 64 teeth and can hold back the incredible hulk?
my zipper
What's worse than finding out your wife has cancer?
finding out it's curable
what do you call a woman who raps about womens rights?
femenim
What do women and rockes have in common? you skip the flat ones
why couldn't helen keller drive a bus?
Because she's a woman
How do you fix a broken dishwasher?
kick her
Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them
Whats takes up 12 parking spaces?
6 Women drivers
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
because they can't stand to see a man happy
Why don't women wear watches?
there's a clock on the stove
What's the difference between arguing with a woman and a knife?
the knife has a point
What's a womans favorite book?
Her husbands checkbook
Why did god create lesbians?
so feminists couldn't breed
what do women and roads have in common?
they both have manholes
whats a womans favorite sleeping position?
around
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look better?
Put a nippel on it
What do you call a women who can't make a sandwich?
single
Whats the difference between a wife and a gf?
about 45 pounds
What's 6 inches long, two inches wide, and makes women go crazy?
100 dollar bill
Whats got 64 teeth and can hold back the incredible hulk?
my zipper
What's worse than finding out your wife has cancer?
finding out it's curable
what do you call a woman who raps about womens rights?
femenim
What do women and rockes have in common? you skip the flat ones
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Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted
--------
Teacher asks her class for the biggest word they know. Janie puts his hand up first.
Teach "Yes Janie"
Janie "Masterbation"
Teach "Wow Janie, that's a mouth full"
Janie "No Miss, now your thinking about a blow-job"
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
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Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
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What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
"Wasabi!"
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Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
--------
Teacher asks her class for the biggest word they know. Janie puts his hand up first.
Teach "Yes Janie"
Janie "Masterbation"
Teach "Wow Janie, that's a mouth full"
Janie "No Miss, now your thinking about a blow-job"
------------
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
---------
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
----------
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
"Wasabi!"
--------
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
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A man comes home from work, thinking no one else is home yet. As he puts down his briefcase and hat, he hears a faint moaning coming from his oldest daughter's bedroom. Not quite sure what's going on, he tiptoes down the hallway and gently pushes open the door, only to find his daughter on her back on her bed, eyes closed, using a dildo and on the verge of orgasm. Shocked, he blurts out, "What the hell do you think you're doing?". Visibly shaken, she quickly grabs a sheet to cover herself and yells at him to get out and close the door while she puts on some clothes.
Her father sits in the living room, appalled that his beautiful daughter would pleasure herself in this manner. The daughter comes out and admonishes her dad for not knocking before entering, and then says, "Look - I'm 25 years old, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend, and I probably never will have a boyfriend. But I have needs, and I have to take care of them, you know?". Her father says, "Listen - you just haven't had much luck with boyfriends. I'm sure you'll get one soon". She replies, "No, Dad. It's just not in the cards. I'll never ever get married. That's all. I'm sorry to disappoint you."
A few weeks later, the daughter comes home early one afternoon to find her father sitting on the living room couch, with a gin and tonic in one hand, and the dildo in his other hand, watching TV. "Dad!" she yells out "What in God's name are you doing?" The father casually looks over his shoulder at her and says, "What does it look like? I'm having a drink with my son-in-law."
Her father sits in the living room, appalled that his beautiful daughter would pleasure herself in this manner. The daughter comes out and admonishes her dad for not knocking before entering, and then says, "Look - I'm 25 years old, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend, and I probably never will have a boyfriend. But I have needs, and I have to take care of them, you know?". Her father says, "Listen - you just haven't had much luck with boyfriends. I'm sure you'll get one soon". She replies, "No, Dad. It's just not in the cards. I'll never ever get married. That's all. I'm sorry to disappoint you."
A few weeks later, the daughter comes home early one afternoon to find her father sitting on the living room couch, with a gin and tonic in one hand, and the dildo in his other hand, watching TV. "Dad!" she yells out "What in God's name are you doing?" The father casually looks over his shoulder at her and says, "What does it look like? I'm having a drink with my son-in-law."
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am1x90xnike
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A couple is on a camping trip
After a long night of passionate love making
The guy looks at the girl and says...'well that was intense...
Say it out loud.
After a long night of passionate love making
The guy looks at the girl and says...'well that was intense...
Say it out loud.
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A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Knock knock? Who's there?
She had no arms.
Knock knock? Who's there?
Not Sally.
bonafide101
Supporter
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A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
bonafide101
Supporter
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why did Sally die?
She fell face first
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Crap I need someone to make me feel dumb and explain this to me. I feel like it's potentially hilarious but it's going over my head right now.
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