ok but this about to be a !$@%#@ harry potter book here man... i've just been keeping a lot of !%!% bottled in.. i posted in this thread earlier actually that i was worried about all this !%!% erupting and i guess it happened a lot sooner than i expected
im out in italy for a week right now to visit my brother who goes to university here.. me, my mom and my brother. we had a great dinner last night and my bro told me to come out for an hour to meet his homeboy out here from the congo... i didnt really wanna go cause i was tired and we had basically traveled across italy yesterday, but my brother was telling me we would have a great time, and we were having fun for most of the night.
somewhere along the line, since we ended up staying out far longer than an hour, i just exploded with anger. the worst part is that i cant even remember why. people kept trying to calm me down and it just wasn't happening. my brothers boy was supposed to stay at his place, here with my family, but he got too scared by how i was acting. i have no idea what happened to him. i didn't hit him but i may have put my hands on him in a threatening manner because he was trying to stop me. i didnt hit my brother but i pushed him down a couple times because i wanted to be left alone and he was just trying to console me, but even with that i feel like he had a selfish motive behind it. i've always resented my brother a little bit because of little things he did when we were younger that resonated with me. we got back to his place somehow and i *#@%%+# destroyed his apartment.. i smashed the tv, broke glasses, chairs.. there's still little pieces of glass all over his floor, i woke up with a piece of glass in my toe. i was being such an abusive person it shocks me still as i write this. i've never done anything like this before. i have a lot of pain from losing my grandparents and father in the past couple years that i NEVER talk about. i get extremely angry whenever when my mom brings up my father and i don't know why.. it hurts to hear anything about him but i've been acting like it's no big deal. while i was arguing with my brother he brought up one of my friends who was murdered a couple years ago, i don't know why but that was my cue to exit.. i left in the middle of the night with only my jeans, a shirt, and my !$@%#@ socks on.. my mom was crying and worried about me and it hurt a lot to see that even in my drunken rage.. i've done my share of dirt in my life but i this is the first time i've felt like a genuine scumbag.. i just want to go home now.. i feel like no one really understands so i don't talk about any of this but i miss my father every single day (he passed close to 4 years ago now.. its hard to believe as i type it) and my grandparents and homeboy and the other people i was close to that have passed. it always gets me angry and i don't know why.. the other thing is, i've been faaaaar more drunk than i was last night but something set me off like dynamite.. my mom is sitting in the room here right now and we've already spoken about it.. i gotta get my bro and his room mates a new tv and all that.. i'm just so disgusted with my actions i considered never drinking again, but i'm not a quitter. i'm sore as hell and my hands are in a great deal of pain. i think i lost a rosary bracelet i just bought in vatican city too.. but whatever.. i just can't believe that i would put my mother through this because nearly everything i've had to deal with, she's had to deal with as well.. i feel like my actions were the highest degree of scumbaggery. my mom has always been there for me and i knew a lot of dudes with BAD mothers, i don't take her for granted at all but i can't believe what i did..
the worst part is.. none of it helped.. i know i'm still going to go on and continue carrying these burdens silently.. i just can't, or rather won't, open up to anybody and i don't know why.. this is the most i've put into words about my feelings, ever. you guys can tell by my last post i was just speaking in generalities.. because it hurts real bad to even think about it.. i've shed about 2 or 3 tears since i woke up and that's the most i've cried since i was a young boy... i honestly think a lot of it stems from the fact that i used to be upset easily as a child and would always be told that men do not cry, men do not let these things weigh them down, men deal with their problems in silence like men and don't show emotion.. maybe i took that advice too close to heart..
this is the longest post i've ever made on NT... finally let a small piece of this out of me.. not sure how i feel though. i think when i get home i'm gonna tell my homegirl who i really trust about all this and about everything i've been feeling.. i believe she cares and has love for me so we'll see what happens when i vocalize all these thoughts.. my head is really starting to hurt right now.. i hope that, if anything, anyone who reads this will show their family a little more love during these holidays..
anyway.. turned 22 today guys..
