My most embarrassing and frustrating sexual experience W/ CLIFFNOTES

[leothegod]

 

[jackiechizzan]

Originally Posted by Face82

I can't knock dude. It's people out there that doesn't make sex a priority in their lives. You'll be amazed. Kudos my man...can't wait till you guys finally get to it.

wait....YOU can't wait til they do the mcnasty?

 

[cq23]

Originally Posted by early90s

Originally Posted by iLLoQuent aka DSK

Originally Posted by cq23

Originally Posted by 23MichaelJordan45

Originally Posted by cq23

wait. you got dome for the first time at 22?

i beat you by 8years

Didn't you get shunned by your girlfriend?

naww thats when my acc. got hacked I posted a story I made up and got exposed by THB so I made up the hacking stuff and jihaded myself posted the ugly unibrow girl

fixed.

As far as the OP...I read the entire #*%% and I'm speechless...can't even come up (no pun intended) with a joke or something witty to say...damn.

I'm also surprised that NT went this easy on you...these dudes is wolves but most giving you advice and #*%%...I guess you're one of the lucky ones.

I do have to warn you though...this story will not end with this thread. It'll follow you for the rest of your e-career...it will be saved for future e-laughs. You do understand this, don't you?

I'm basically saying it's too late to edit or delete now, my dude...

Nah homie you must've missed the previous episodes

This man's sex life(snickers) is well known on NT
The day he smashes though, it'll be like we all got that W



but for real, how you miss the hole 6 times?? I'ma PM you the granddaddy
of all pr0n sites so you can study the female anatomy, perhaps pick up a few techniques

like braiana woods who wouldnt lemme smash number 1.

and yeah i brag about my lil event a bit much on here, only cause i realy dont want other people knowing about it..

 

[litlbibby]

Originally Posted by iLLoQuent aka DSK

Originally Posted by cq23

Originally Posted by 23MichaelJordan45

Originally Posted by cq23

wait. you got dome for the first time at 22?

i beat you by 8years

Didn't you get shunned by your girlfriend?

naww thats when my acc. got hacked I posted a story I made up and got exposed by THB so I made up the hacking stuff and jihaded myself posted the ugly unibrow girl

fixed.

As far as the OP...I read the entire #*%% and I'm speechless...can't even come up (no pun intended) with a joke or something witty to say...damn.

I'm also surprised that NT went this easy on you...these dudes is wolves but most giving you advice and #*%%...I guess you're one of the lucky ones.

I do have to warn you though...this story will not end with this thread. It'll follow you for the rest of your e-career...it will be saved for future e-laughs. You do understand this, don't you?

I'm basically saying it's too late to edit or delete now, my dude...

didnt even see this. i was gonna blast this !$*#% for always callin out other people, but you beat me to it.

 

[ac4three]

I'm sorry, but...

How could you not know where to put it? Weren't you looking? Your girl actually went to the bathroom to look at where it should go???

 

[jackel56]

 

[knightngale]

now that I remember
when you posted the last time I felt as if she was lying about not being a virgin
it seems too extreme for her to have to check her holes like if she does not know her own body

you sound kind of naive when it comes to sex and relationships so there is a possibility that she could be taking advantage of that and be faking it
I still don't think she's a virgin

 

[xxxnillionairexxx]

I'm dyin over here I can't breathe. I lost it whenyou said she had to get up and go to the bathroom to find out what hole was the right one.

 

[dublbagn]

Originally Posted by Da XpLiCiT OnE


For some background info:
- As some of y'all know, I'm 22 and my girl is 21. We've been in long distance relationship for all of our 2+ years. We're both virgins (and some of y'all think she isn't). For the past year+, I've been asking her every 3 months that I see her to make love, and I've gotten declined everytime. Last March, she told me she misses the days where I didn't ask, so since MARCH, I've only talked about it once, where I did get declined back in May. Sometime then, she said, "we will this year".

*scroll down for cliffnotes
**I wrote part of this in Mid August while my girl was in the shower a day after the event, and I didn't finish it, until now.

So my girl flew to my state last week [mid August again], and yesterday we drove 4 hours to another state to a theme park and stayed at a hotel overnight. After our theme park in the middle of the day, we checked in our hotel. It was the nicest hotel I've stayed at, room-wise, like a suite. After touring our room, she went to take a shower, and I was immediately saddened at the fact she won't allow us to take a shower together, and we don't even do "it" yet and we have this amazing room. She saw I was sad and asked me why I looked sad, while I lie curled on this sofa, right before she went to take her shower, and I told her because I want to take a shower with her (or that we didn't do it yet I can't remember which one), and she told me it's ok and went to take her shower. After hers, I took mine. I then went to lie down to relax before we went downtown to check the nightlife, and she lied next to me after getting ready, and went down on me. After she was done (no i've never "finished" she won't do it that much), I kept saying "give it to me", and then she whispered "you give it to me". Then she said something like "go to the store and buy some". I was thinking in my head, "is she telling me to get some condoms?" Then I remembered she told me to bring the ipod stereo and I put 2&2 together in that she was finally ready, but I didn't want to get excited because I've been turned down too many times.

After the night went on, we ate dinner, went out to some places downtown, and then on the way home, I said let's stop by the store. She said "for what huh" followed by a smile. I was like "you know what", and she said "I don't want to buy it with you - i'll stay in the car". Then I was pretty sure she was ready at that point. First stop, grocery store.

She came in with me at first since I made her. I was nervous, excited, shocked… overwhelmed to say the least, and I still wasn't 100%. We tried to find the condoms, only to see it was locked. She then found the lube section, and picked out some. She then left the store b herself to go wait in the car, and we decided to get the condoms from a gas station. After buying the lube, stopped at a gas station, picked up the condoms, and went on our way to the hotel.

Once we got to our suite-like hotelroom, all the emotions I felt prior to walking in the grocery went off the charts. She got lotion and went to the restroom to lotion up I guess, and told me to "get ready" or something like that, and to clean the room as it was when we first got it. I cleaned, got out the lube and condoms, and then she came out of the bathroom with a tank top and some short shorts thing.

We turned off most of the lights except one by this desk so it was decently dark, then the playing began. After I took off her clothes, except for her panty, then she took off mine. She went down on me, and then while she did, I was opening the condom.

After I put it on, she kept telling me to put more lube on it, and so then she FINALLY took of her panty when I went on top. She said "you don't know how (or where) to do it".. and after trying for a little bit, she was right… I didn't know where it goes. About a minute passed when I tried, and of course, I wasn't erect any longer.

I had 6 condoms, so now I have 5. The 2[sup]nd[/sup] one, I tried right after she went down, and then I put it on backwards, so she said put a new one. Condom 3 was on, and it was repeat of the last scenario. After the 3[sup]rd[/sup], she took a mirror and went to the bathroom to check exactly where it goes. She thought there are two holes, one to pee and one to make love, so she thought once or twice I was going to put it in the pee hole. Well I was sure you can't even see that hole but oh well. So, she came back out after half the condoms were used up, and we tried again, but this time with her on top.

Attempt 4 and 5 were repeats - I couldn't keep it up for any longer than a minute each time. I guess I was just overwhelmed, and I wasn't feelin it. She said to save the last one and that we could try in a couple hours. I told her since we're just wasting condoms, lets try without one first then I could put one on after we know what we're dong. So we tried, and there was one point where put it in partly, but she said ow and I don't think anything happened.

We slept, woke up in like 3 hours, and then at 4am, we tried again. I put it partly in, and then she said it hurt, and same thing happened yet again. Woke up an hour or so before checkout, and she told me to buy more condoms. We tried once, and same thing again. After a wasted condom, we tried again without one, and this time I put it was in for a little bit, and nothing happened. Since it was our only night until we both flew back to her home state with her roommates for a week (as well as her getting her period)… it was the last time we really tried.

I took the most Ls that night, but I wasn't as mad at myself as I thought, because I was happy she was finally ready, but I was really overwhelmed she was actually ready. We'll try again the next time we see eachother and I'll be ready since I'm not overwhelmed any longer.

CLIFFNOTES:

- Went on Vacation in August with my girl in a nice hotel

- She gave me clues that she was ready, to go buy "some" and for me to "give it to her"

- Went out for a fun night and bought some condoms and lube

- Used up all 6 condoms

- Couldn't find where to put it most of the time, it hurt when i partly put it in, and I couldn't keep it up longer than a minute to fully make love

- So it really didn't happen

- It was our only time we could have tried, because she got her period after and then i had to go back home for school.

I was originally going to highlight the first paragraph and the cliff notes

.....pure comedy!!!!! But, after combing through the entire post I found that this is the best post I have ever clicked on in the history ofNT

.....someone please save this post, this will go down as the best of the worst post in history.....

dude you should never have posted this......but thank you for the laugh!!!!!

 

[momoney848]

Well honestly... at least you know she's not having sex with other dudes. If she was, she would have gotten frustrated after the second time and justgrabbed it and put it in herself.

Honestly... I'm in shock. I feel like I should buy you and your girl plane tickets and a 5 night stay at the Marriott. Any Marriott. If I had money likethat, I would do it. That's just too big of an L to not have a W after. Only way this could get worse is if you get dumped.

You don't have ED. You didn't lose it early and you didn't ejaculate prematurely when she was topping you so what makes you think you have it?It's common to lose an erection when putting on/after putting on a condom because you concentrate on opening it, then putting it on and your mind wandersfrom sex.

I would not be surprised if "Team Xplicit Will Smash" pops up though. Just saying.

 

[daytona 5000]

Originally Posted by MoMoney848

Well honestly... at least you know she's not having sex with other dudes. If she was, she would have gotten frustrated after the second time and just grabbed it and put it in herself.

Honestly... I'm in shock. I feel like I should buy you and your girl plane tickets and a 5 night stay at the Marriott. Any Marriott. If I had money like that, I would do it. That's just too big of an L to not have a W after. Only way this could get worse is if you get dumped.

You don't have ED. You didn't lose it early and you didn't ejaculate prematurely when she was topping you so what makes you think you have it? It's common to lose an erection when putting on/after putting on a condom because you concentrate on opening it, then putting it on and your mind wanders from sex.

I would not be surprised if "Team Xplicit Will Smash" pops up though. Just saying.

[color= rgb(0, 0, 255)]No the only way it could get worse is if, when he triedto put it in raw, some of his seed got inside and impregnated her. That would be suicide worthy.[/color]

 

[stayfresh25]

Originally Posted by PhillyPG1

its cool though...its going to hurt her the first couple times since she's still a virgin. if it doesn't hurt the next time you try, then she'sbeen "practicing" with somebody else

 

[The_Isomotion31]

wow.....friggin amazing..Wild animals don't have that tough a time.

 

[stayfresh25]

Originally Posted by AC4Three

I'm sorry, but...

How could you not know where to put it? Weren't you looking? Your girl actually went to the bathroom to look at where it should go???

who looks?!?!

 

[da xplicit one]

Originally Posted by DAYTONA 5000

Originally Posted by MoMoney848

Well honestly... at least you know she's not having sex with other dudes. If she was, she would have gotten frustrated after the second time and just grabbed it and put it in herself.

Honestly... I'm in shock. I feel like I should buy you and your girl plane tickets and a 5 night stay at the Marriott. Any Marriott. If I had money like that, I would do it. That's just too big of an L to not have a W after. Only way this could get worse is if you get dumped.

You don't have ED. You didn't lose it early and you didn't ejaculate prematurely when she was topping you so what makes you think you have it? It's common to lose an erection when putting on/after putting on a condom because you concentrate on opening it, then putting it on and your mind wanders from sex.

I would not be surprised if "Team Xplicit Will Smash" pops up though. Just saying.

[color= rgb(0, 0, 255)]No the only way it could get worse is if, when he tried to put it in raw, some of his seed got inside and impregnated her. That would be suicide worthy.[/color]

She was actually scared of that, because it was in for a few seconds, but she got her period a few days later so it's all good. About puttingit in herself, she tried to when she was on top, and she couldn't, multiple times.

 

[momoney848]

Originally Posted by DAYTONA 5000

Originally Posted by MoMoney848

Well honestly... at least you know she's not having sex with other dudes. If she was, she would have gotten frustrated after the second time and just grabbed it and put it in herself.

Honestly... I'm in shock. I feel like I should buy you and your girl plane tickets and a 5 night stay at the Marriott. Any Marriott. If I had money like that, I would do it. That's just too big of an L to not have a W after. Only way this could get worse is if you get dumped.

You don't have ED. You didn't lose it early and you didn't ejaculate prematurely when she was topping you so what makes you think you have it? It's common to lose an erection when putting on/after putting on a condom because you concentrate on opening it, then putting it on and your mind wanders from sex.

I would not be surprised if "Team Xplicit Will Smash" pops up though. Just saying.

[color= rgb(0, 0, 255)]No the only way it could get worse is if, when he tried to put it in raw, some of his seed got inside and impregnated her. That would be suicide worthy.[/color]

I didn't even think of that. You're right. You'd both technically be virgins with a baby. Women can get pregnant from pre-ejaculate. I learned thatin Biology. A third of the dudes in my class got up to make phone calls after the Professor told us that

 

[crossisom]

Your girl not knowing where her own vagina is FTL

 

[youngtriz]

at least you tried to get some and had it in for 10sec... unlike 70% of most NTer's

 

[johnnyredstorm]

Could it be possible her first hole is tighter than the 2nd?

 

[willinc]

Damn, a night of epic failure.

 

[aquila]

Corny

 

[ogbobbyjohnson773]

Originally Posted by Da XpLiCiT OnE

About putting it in herself, she tried to when she was on top, and she couldn't, multiple times.

 

[nawghtyhare]

Originally Posted by Da XpLiCiT OnE

Originally Posted by DAYTONA 5000

Originally Posted by MoMoney848

Well honestly... at least you know she's not having sex with other dudes. If she was, she would have gotten frustrated after the second time and just grabbed it and put it in herself.

Honestly... I'm in shock. I feel like I should buy you and your girl plane tickets and a 5 night stay at the Marriott. Any Marriott. If I had money like that, I would do it. That's just too big of an L to not have a W after. Only way this could get worse is if you get dumped.

You don't have ED. You didn't lose it early and you didn't ejaculate prematurely when she was topping you so what makes you think you have it? It's common to lose an erection when putting on/after putting on a condom because you concentrate on opening it, then putting it on and your mind wanders from sex.

I would not be surprised if "Team Xplicit Will Smash" pops up though. Just saying.

[color= rgb(0, 0, 255)]No the only way it could get worse is if, when he tried to put it in raw, some of his seed got inside and impregnated her. That would be suicide worthy.[/color]

She was actually scared of that, because it was in for a few seconds, but she got her period a few days later so it's all good. About putting it in herself, she tried to when she was on top, and she couldn't, multiple times.

Just cause she got her period doesnt neccesarily mean sh isnt pregnant trust me.....................by the way u should bookmark the page i postedthat advice on and reread it till u see her again im tellin u its gonna work...........MATTER OF FACT HERE IT IS SO U DONT HAVE TO SEARCH:

Alright real talk im a give u some advice do EVERYTHING I say and its gonna be all good. U need to take control forget getting head......the main reason is uneed to get her worked up enough she may wanna have sex but if u aint made her really horny specially if she a virgin u gonna have problems. First start offkissing u gonna have to take ur time since ur a virgin anyway u should try to make ur foreplay last as LONG AS POSSIBLE.........u wanna make her have an orgasmor two before u even decide to plunge in that way she will have loosened up because of how horny she is......a womens vagina swells as well as her clitoris themore turned on she is as well as when she has already had an orgasm she should be even more wet than normal. So start kissing her then turn that into frenchkissing and u gotta be in control. Use ur tongue to trace outlines of her lips suck on her tongue the whole nine. Then start kissing and licking ur way to herneck start kissing and lickin and sucking on her neck she prolly gonna feel ticklish but the trick is to find that spot on her neck where it doesnt tickle herbut it feels good. U gonna know when u reach the spot cause u gonna hear her moan instead of tryna bring her neck and head together when she starts moaning ufound the spot. Work on that spot then work ur way down to her breasts when u get to the breasts lick around the nipples in that colored area(areola) startcircular motions around and around going inward till u reach the nipple. lightly flick it with the tip of ur tonguge fast. she shoul;d moan thats when u justengulf the nipple with ur mouth suck on it and flick it with ur tongue at the same time repeat on the other breast then lick all the way down her stomachlightly kissing and licking then when u get to that area under her belly button where her panties elatic band would start lick gentely going down stop rightabove the #+$# go to where her thigh an pelvic bone connect lick from the top of that crack where the thigh and pelvis meet down cross over still licking glidover the #+$# so u can reach the pelvis/thigh crack on the other leg go up then right back down that crack then glide back over to the #+$# lick TWICE AND ONLYTWICE AND STOP.
Then go to her left inner thigh kss/ suck from her inner thigh to her knee then back and across the *#%% again then to the other thigh and back after u comeback to the other thigh lightly flick her *#%% with ur tongue then put pressure on it then just put the whole *#%% in ur mouth. suck on it while flicking itwhile ur sucking it she should go wild. Now while u doin that stick ur middle finger in her while ur sucking on her *#%% just do small in n out motions then docircular maotions to lubricate her whole inside and outside. Then stick middle finger in while doing a "come here" motion u should feel a spongeyplug thingy thats her g-spot lick while flicking that with ur finger she should have an orgasm within a few seconds. Ur fingers may get tired from this so feelfree to switch up fingers. Oh and make sure ur nails are cut u dont wanna kill the mood by scratching up her insides. But after all that she should be readyfor the "do." Get on top rub ur the tip of ur lil friend from her *#%% down to her hole. Back up and back down to lubricate ur tip that way it justslides right in

EDIT: i just noticed im over 1000 posts

 

[momoney848]

Originally Posted by YoungTriz

at least you tried to get some and had it in for 10sec... unlike 70% of most NTer's

Monkeys make up 80% of the monkey population. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. And I'm with you. Most dudes on here clowning dude have only observedothers engaging in intercourse on their computers or on digital video discs from adult special interest establishments.

 

[fresh feetz]

wow damn son that is bad on your part.