C'est la vie has been my saying lately, along with the two in my sig. I've been spending my days building myself up in multiple ways. During the entire day I work on eating healthy. Not dieting, for that would kill my already malnourished body, but making sure that when I'm gaining weight back, it's the right kind. My mental state has been getting its share of love as well. I spend my time thinking, in a healthy manner. Giving myself cognitive and psychoanalytical therapy, which is odd when you diagnose yourself. I guess it would be patient centered therapy if I'm talking to myself. Either way, I'm inching towards a better mental state as every day passes by. Lastly, my physical state. Seeing I am malnourished from when I was in my worst phase, I need to regain A LOT of muscle mass, I have shrunk quite a bit. I've been working out for an hour when I wake up, and before I sleep. I've noticed a change and I am set on continuing.
I wrote a 3 page paper to myself about my new theories on why the body functions. In simple terms, motivation and it's effect on life. I don't agree with Maslow. That's for another conversation. I'm losing touch with myself. I was once against drugs, but I didn't give a damn about legalization or anything. I was just not a drug user. Now, if there is some weed, I'm down. I tell myself no, and most of the time I can still walk away, but it's not as well as I want it. I need to kick it, as we speak I am kicking it. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do.
I have a lot of dreams and aspirations, but I fail to follow through with them. I can only blame myself, but I don't want to. So I spend my time doing relaxing, time wasting activities. Like golf, running, trail walking, and NT. Though I shouldn't be running, my chest tightens up whenever I go, and I lack the ability to draw breath. I hate having a bad heart, so I disregard these feelings as a cramp and keep running until it is stopping me from advancing. When I can't move anymore, I have the biggest feeling of hatred for myself on earth. I feel weak and unfit.
My age is odd. I am young, but I don't think like the rest. Whatever "the rest" is. I think with morals and more times like the average 45 year old, than the average 18 year old. I don't talk to people in my age group unless its a female, or they are on my level of thinking. I mostly walk around with headphones on my head and avoid everyone. I talk with the older people I know. Whom are usually 40-91 years old.
Rant is getting long. Must end here.
/rant.
