Your Girl wants to have a baby... But you don't... What next??? (UPDATE PG 5)

[throwback1718]

Originally Posted by BOTTOM74BOTTOM

Damn, your shorty's name was Nas though?

yeah i chose the name.. It means defender. Just so happens its the name of my favorite artist also.

in response to the last post, i definitely dont wanna be forced into having a kid before time. Especially deliberately.
She insists that she understands my issues, but she feels that HER issues should matter more. Especially since she is "the bearer" as she calls it. Bearer of the baby and bearer of the issue.

 

[scshift]

Originally Posted by Jehul

Originally Posted by throwback1718

Ill try it again. But I am not sure how much it would work. Since I tried it before.

I also forgot to mention that SHE wants to end the relationship because of this.
She claims she wont be satisfied OR happy knowing that we are in a relationship together. She believes there is no compromise on this one. Its either BABY or not. There is no in between. If we wait, things will be my way... She feels that its my way its going

RIP to your relationship, fam. 1. If you stand your ground she might (saying might here b/c I think she's calling your bluff but that's just me) leave you. Relationship done. 2. If you capitulate and give in to her demands, then you will be stuck with a seed + a woman who doesn't really respect you b/c you "gave in," thinking you were doing the right thing to save the relationship. At the end of the day though as much as women don't say it they like to be led and have the guy call the shots, not the other way around. If they always get to have the final word they won't respect you. "how hard is it to wait till you hit 25 years old? get you a nice college degree and a decent job too. so we both can work towards a goal.... TOGETHER. not only me working for ALL of us... Shes not in school or has a job either. she hasnt even started college yet."- Wait so she doesn't have a job plus she's uneducated? Answer is simple here, boss. Dead that financial liability asap. "Im not sure if I'd find another chick thats compatible with me as much as she is, let alone better than her (atleast for me)"- If you don't change that mentality you WILL be stuck with her for life and NOTHING will change that. Do what you gotta do.

Dude's right. I didn't think about it until you said that she wasn't educated or employed. So basically it means that you're the only one in the household supporting everyone else? And her, who doesn't bring money or the education for a paying job is trying to tell you what to do? This situation is

. So what happens if you decide to go her way and 1 year later, she's still jobless? She isn't going to get a decent job without a college education, and you're not really going to be able to afford a college education unless you have $. Which means, YOU'LL be the one having to cover for the baby and paying for that stuff. And I heard it wasn't cheap, my parents claim it costs $100,000 to raise a baby, PER YEAR. Now how are you alone going to support 3 people while putting 100K aside for the baby? In addition to lots of money used, you've got time used.

Something tells me that if you had to pay for the baby, you're going to have to raise the baby. And, forbid this happen, she left you eventually. Then you'd have to pay for a baby that you never wanted and you'd feel pretty salty because you just got ripped and your loyalty just got screwed.

I can't speak for you because I don't know your situation. Maybe I'm right, but I'm probably wrong. But I know this. You're 21 and you have your own goals and desires. You're also in the prime time of your life. Now why waste so much time and money on something you don't even want? If she really cared she wouldn't put you through this decision. No one on this board can tell you what to do, but in all honesty you would be making a very illogical move in my opinion if you chose to have the baby right away.

 

[scshift]

Originally Posted by Jehul

Originally Posted by throwback1718

Ill try it again. But I am not sure how much it would work. Since I tried it before.

I also forgot to mention that SHE wants to end the relationship because of this.
She claims she wont be satisfied OR happy knowing that we are in a relationship together. She believes there is no compromise on this one. Its either BABY or not. There is no in between. If we wait, things will be my way... She feels that its my way its going

RIP to your relationship, fam. 1. If you stand your ground she might (saying might here b/c I think she's calling your bluff but that's just me) leave you. Relationship done. 2. If you capitulate and give in to her demands, then you will be stuck with a seed + a woman who doesn't really respect you b/c you "gave in," thinking you were doing the right thing to save the relationship. At the end of the day though as much as women don't say it they like to be led and have the guy call the shots, not the other way around. If they always get to have the final word they won't respect you. "how hard is it to wait till you hit 25 years old? get you a nice college degree and a decent job too. so we both can work towards a goal.... TOGETHER. not only me working for ALL of us... Shes not in school or has a job either. she hasnt even started college yet."- Wait so she doesn't have a job plus she's uneducated? Answer is simple here, boss. Dead that financial liability asap. "Im not sure if I'd find another chick thats compatible with me as much as she is, let alone better than her (atleast for me)"- If you don't change that mentality you WILL be stuck with her for life and NOTHING will change that. Do what you gotta do.

Dude's right. I didn't think about it until you said that she wasn't educated or employed. So basically it means that you're the only one in the household supporting everyone else? And her, who doesn't bring money or the education for a paying job is trying to tell you what to do? This situation is

. So what happens if you decide to go her way and 1 year later, she's still jobless? She isn't going to get a decent job without a college education, and you're not really going to be able to afford a college education unless you have $. Which means, YOU'LL be the one having to cover for the baby and paying for that stuff. And I heard it wasn't cheap, my parents claim it costs $100,000 to raise a baby, PER YEAR. Now how are you alone going to support 3 people while putting 100K aside for the baby? In addition to lots of money used, you've got time used.

Something tells me that if you had to pay for the baby, you're going to have to raise the baby. And, forbid this happen, she left you eventually. Then you'd have to pay for a baby that you never wanted and you'd feel pretty salty because you just got ripped and your loyalty just got screwed.

I can't speak for you because I don't know your situation. Maybe I'm right, but I'm probably wrong. But I know this. You're 21 and you have your own goals and desires. You're also in the prime time of your life. Now why waste so much time and money on something you don't even want? If she really cared she wouldn't put you through this decision. No one on this board can tell you what to do, but in all honesty you would be making a very illogical move in my opinion if you chose to have the baby right away.

 

[T0INE]

So let me get this straight OP:

-Your girl hit you with a baby now or end relationship ultimatum
- She isn't in college nor has a college degree or a job
- You're the only one in school and working
- She says don't worry about finances because "everything will work itself out"

I know y'all have been together for a minute but if she can't see how unreasonable she's being you may need to dead the relationship.

 

[T0INE]

So let me get this straight OP:

-Your girl hit you with a baby now or end relationship ultimatum
- She isn't in college nor has a college degree or a job
- You're the only one in school and working
- She says don't worry about finances because "everything will work itself out"

I know y'all have been together for a minute but if she can't see how unreasonable she's being you may need to dead the relationship.

 

[rawse]

Originally Posted by KatieJade4

How old is she?

After my husband and I got married, I wanted to have a kid sooo bad. I really felt like I was ready. My husband on the other hand knew that we weren't ready financially, or mentally for that matter. And this might sound crazy but we got a puppy and THAT was a lot of work. Work that I wasn't ready for. We had to give the puppy away due to a change in our work schedules. Then my sister-in-law asked me to watch her 5 year old daughter for a few days and that was pretty crazy also.

But to make a long story short, I dont know what it's like to lose a child but I think you should get her a puppy.

And name it Zuddini.

Do this.... " I don't want a baby, but I want a puppy"

 

[rawse]

Originally Posted by KatieJade4

How old is she?

After my husband and I got married, I wanted to have a kid sooo bad. I really felt like I was ready. My husband on the other hand knew that we weren't ready financially, or mentally for that matter. And this might sound crazy but we got a puppy and THAT was a lot of work. Work that I wasn't ready for. We had to give the puppy away due to a change in our work schedules. Then my sister-in-law asked me to watch her 5 year old daughter for a few days and that was pretty crazy also.

But to make a long story short, I dont know what it's like to lose a child but I think you should get her a puppy.

And name it Zuddini.

Do this.... " I don't want a baby, but I want a puppy"

 

[midnightmarauda112]

Originally Posted by toine2983

So let me get this straight OP:

-Your girl hit you with a baby now or end relationship ultimatum
- She isn't in college nor has a college degree or a job
- You're the only one in school and working
- She says don't worry about finances because "everything will work itself out"

I know y'all have been together for a minute but if she can't see how unreasonable she's being you may need to dead the relationship.

 

[midnightmarauda112]

Originally Posted by toine2983

So let me get this straight OP:

-Your girl hit you with a baby now or end relationship ultimatum
- She isn't in college nor has a college degree or a job
- You're the only one in school and working
- She says don't worry about finances because "everything will work itself out"

I know y'all have been together for a minute but if she can't see how unreasonable she's being you may need to dead the relationship.

 

[throwback1718]

wow 100K sounds really sickening,

But you guys are really making sense... A LOT of these feelings and thoughts Flew through my head but I definitely didn't articulate it as well as some of you dudes.
Some yall cats put me in check too, which im not ashamed to admit. I just wish I could figure a way to get to a common ground.
Some yall making a lot of sense and it helps me realize AND accept that ending the relationship is the right thing to do at this point.

 

[throwback1718]

wow 100K sounds really sickening,

But you guys are really making sense... A LOT of these feelings and thoughts Flew through my head but I definitely didn't articulate it as well as some of you dudes.
Some yall cats put me in check too, which im not ashamed to admit. I just wish I could figure a way to get to a common ground.
Some yall making a lot of sense and it helps me realize AND accept that ending the relationship is the right thing to do at this point.

 

[popcornplaya]

Before you resort to ending the relationship, try to get that young lady help man.

I'm no psychologist, but it's obvious that she's suffering PTS. She probably has taken the the death of your child as her responsibility (I say this because you said she refers to herself as 'the bearer,') or in the very least, sees herself as an unfit mother, and wants to have a baby to prove herself.

Try going to therapy. It's obvious that you care for this girl. Try getting her help.

 

[popcornplaya]

Before you resort to ending the relationship, try to get that young lady help man.

I'm no psychologist, but it's obvious that she's suffering PTS. She probably has taken the the death of your child as her responsibility (I say this because you said she refers to herself as 'the bearer,') or in the very least, sees herself as an unfit mother, and wants to have a baby to prove herself.

Try going to therapy. It's obvious that you care for this girl. Try getting her help.

 

[throwback1718]

how do you get someone help, if they are unwilling? thats a big task in itself... and im not down for dragging someone to a psychiatrist especially if they dont wanna be there

 

[throwback1718]

how do you get someone help, if they are unwilling? thats a big task in itself... and im not down for dragging someone to a psychiatrist especially if they dont wanna be there

 

[popcornplaya]

Originally Posted by throwback1718

how do you get someone help, if they are unwilling? thats a big task in itself... and im not down for dragging someone to a psychiatrist especially if they dont wanna be there

No one wants to admit that they have a problem. If that were the case, things like alcoholism, drug addiction, etc wouldn't be as bad. Sadly, this isn't the case. People make up reasons for their issues. "Oh, I'm not an alcoholic. I'm just a social drinker." Or, "I'm not addicted. I can quit any time. I just don't want to." Your girl might have really bad depression, but isn't being honest about it to appease you, and more importantly, herself. To most women, having a loving husband and a wonderful kid is what they're raised to strive for. Sure, they might have other goals, but a majority of females know more about their future wedding than they do about their future career.

Having that dream ripped apart in front of her eyes could have really messed her up. It's never easy getting someone like that help. Why do you think interventions are so grueling on a family?

I mean, if you're unwilling to, that's totally understandable. It'll be grueling on you as well, and if you're not down to do that, you certainly don't have to. But try to work out the therapy idea first. If you're still met with resistance, there's no use for you to still be there.

 

[popcornplaya]

Originally Posted by throwback1718

how do you get someone help, if they are unwilling? thats a big task in itself... and im not down for dragging someone to a psychiatrist especially if they dont wanna be there

No one wants to admit that they have a problem. If that were the case, things like alcoholism, drug addiction, etc wouldn't be as bad. Sadly, this isn't the case. People make up reasons for their issues. "Oh, I'm not an alcoholic. I'm just a social drinker." Or, "I'm not addicted. I can quit any time. I just don't want to." Your girl might have really bad depression, but isn't being honest about it to appease you, and more importantly, herself. To most women, having a loving husband and a wonderful kid is what they're raised to strive for. Sure, they might have other goals, but a majority of females know more about their future wedding than they do about their future career.

Having that dream ripped apart in front of her eyes could have really messed her up. It's never easy getting someone like that help. Why do you think interventions are so grueling on a family?

I mean, if you're unwilling to, that's totally understandable. It'll be grueling on you as well, and if you're not down to do that, you certainly don't have to. But try to work out the therapy idea first. If you're still met with resistance, there's no use for you to still be there.

 

[josebronx]

Originally Posted by throwback1718

Originally Posted by DanzInRealLife

She should really be taking into account how you're feeling. Especially if you're not done with school.

You should explain how tough it could get if y'all have a kid and you're still studying..


If you really think she's the girl you'd want to have a kid with, reassure her of that fact, explain why you're not ready and why you think it'd be a good idea to wait, in regards to finance and all that jazz.

This has all been gone over before.
BUT she just has this URGE or NEED for a baby. I always restate the fact that I wanna be done with school, I want her as my kid's mother and the whole nine...

She says she's not worrying about financial problems and that she KNOWS that we will be okay. She feels it in her body.
IDK, she says she definitely understands where I'm coming from but she doesn't wanna go along with it if she doesn't have to.


Like yungchamp said, It REALLY dawned on me why people always say wait till you married, cuz all that +%% would be cleared up and an understanding is in place.

Its just the hormones talking, you know damn well that she aint going to be paying the bills. How doesshe KNOW everything will be OK? dont be a simp son.

 

[josebronx]

Originally Posted by throwback1718

Originally Posted by DanzInRealLife

She should really be taking into account how you're feeling. Especially if you're not done with school.

You should explain how tough it could get if y'all have a kid and you're still studying..


If you really think she's the girl you'd want to have a kid with, reassure her of that fact, explain why you're not ready and why you think it'd be a good idea to wait, in regards to finance and all that jazz.

This has all been gone over before.
BUT she just has this URGE or NEED for a baby. I always restate the fact that I wanna be done with school, I want her as my kid's mother and the whole nine...

She says she's not worrying about financial problems and that she KNOWS that we will be okay. She feels it in her body.
IDK, she says she definitely understands where I'm coming from but she doesn't wanna go along with it if she doesn't have to.


Like yungchamp said, It REALLY dawned on me why people always say wait till you married, cuz all that +%% would be cleared up and an understanding is in place.

Its just the hormones talking, you know damn well that she aint going to be paying the bills. How doesshe KNOW everything will be OK? dont be a simp son.

 

[scshift]

Originally Posted by throwback1718

wow 100K sounds really sickening,

But you guys are really making sense... A LOT of these feelings and thoughts Flew through my head but I definitely didn't articulate it as well as some of you dudes.
Some yall cats put me in check too, which im not ashamed to admit. I just wish I could figure a way to get to a common ground.
Some yall making a lot of sense and it helps me realize AND accept that ending the relationship is the right thing to do at this point.

Yeah I mean I definitely feel where you're coming from and I respect that you're trying to make both parties happy, but in the end you have to be "realistic". I really hate that word because realistic is something people with no willpower say but to be honest, how are you going to get a high paying job when you're fresh out of college?

Don't get me wrong, it's not impossible and you could get very lucky and land a career in a very well paying company. But there's so many other things to think about, like is that the job you really want, is that the life you want? I'm not trying to blow anything out of proportion but it would really suck for me if I had to work countless hours in a job I didn't appreciate just to support a decision I never made. But there's a lot of variables as well: what if you guys don't end up staying together, or what if you have to take a business trip, or some freak disaster took your fortune away? Just planning for this would make you pay a lot of money.

And on top of that, you'll have to deal with a teen earlier than most. Before 40 I would guess that you want to spend that time chilling, driving nice cars and wearing nice Nikes. I'm a teen so I don't know any of this parenting stuff but I do know that it will be a headache for both sides. For your situation honestly, this is one where you NEED YOUR WAY. There is no other option. If you both aren't committed 100%, then there will be problems. Not to mention that you're really the one holding all of this up. And I don't think that's something you have to do, to be held responsible when you shouldn't have in the first place.

If she's still firm and not budging, I have to say end it. It sucks and feelings will be hurt but seriously, that's a huge responsibility. And if you're 21 and already have your own goals, that's probably too much to handle. Just skip it and move on.

 

[scshift]

Originally Posted by throwback1718

wow 100K sounds really sickening,

But you guys are really making sense... A LOT of these feelings and thoughts Flew through my head but I definitely didn't articulate it as well as some of you dudes.
Some yall cats put me in check too, which im not ashamed to admit. I just wish I could figure a way to get to a common ground.
Some yall making a lot of sense and it helps me realize AND accept that ending the relationship is the right thing to do at this point.

Yeah I mean I definitely feel where you're coming from and I respect that you're trying to make both parties happy, but in the end you have to be "realistic". I really hate that word because realistic is something people with no willpower say but to be honest, how are you going to get a high paying job when you're fresh out of college?

Don't get me wrong, it's not impossible and you could get very lucky and land a career in a very well paying company. But there's so many other things to think about, like is that the job you really want, is that the life you want? I'm not trying to blow anything out of proportion but it would really suck for me if I had to work countless hours in a job I didn't appreciate just to support a decision I never made. But there's a lot of variables as well: what if you guys don't end up staying together, or what if you have to take a business trip, or some freak disaster took your fortune away? Just planning for this would make you pay a lot of money.

And on top of that, you'll have to deal with a teen earlier than most. Before 40 I would guess that you want to spend that time chilling, driving nice cars and wearing nice Nikes. I'm a teen so I don't know any of this parenting stuff but I do know that it will be a headache for both sides. For your situation honestly, this is one where you NEED YOUR WAY. There is no other option. If you both aren't committed 100%, then there will be problems. Not to mention that you're really the one holding all of this up. And I don't think that's something you have to do, to be held responsible when you shouldn't have in the first place.

If she's still firm and not budging, I have to say end it. It sucks and feelings will be hurt but seriously, that's a huge responsibility. And if you're 21 and already have your own goals, that's probably too much to handle. Just skip it and move on.

 

[danzinreallife]

Originally Posted by throwback1718

Vanilla, you got a point, there is no clear cut line as to when to have a baby. I doubt the same day I get a job, I would say "well time to go get a baby now"

BUT there is still a lot more assurance with having a job and degree in hand.
Shoot she doesnt have a job either. That didnt help me feel any better the first time we were pregnant.
And it sure as hell aint helping now.
THis probably one of the hardest decisions Ive ever had to make up to this point.

Im kinda stuck. Im trying all my lifelines here. Im not sure if I'd find another chick thats compatible with me as much as she is, let alone better than her (atleast for me)

shes even saying that she would rather move on to someone else and start from scratch with them and would rather have a baby with them than wait on me for how ever long that I want one.
IMO it doesnt make sense to me because which ever way you cut it, you're not going to get one ASAP. Why not wait it out with me? But then again although it dont make sense to me,its how she feelin. And as unreasonable she may seem right now, i cant change her outlook on it.

Perhaps you should look at going to a joint counselling session..

But in my opinion dude, a girl who says that ^^ is not a girl that loves you with her whole heart. I can't believe she would even say that. To me that says she doesn't love you, she's ready to give up everything you have together asap just so she can have a kid, and with a dude she'd have to start afresh with.

What makes her think she's going to straight up find a dude that wants to have kids early on in the relationship?


As soon as she said that, she'd be dead to me. Regardless of how hurt I may be, I couldn't continue on with someone who said that. It'd always be there in the back of my mind, eating away at me slowly.

 

[danzinreallife]

Originally Posted by throwback1718

Vanilla, you got a point, there is no clear cut line as to when to have a baby. I doubt the same day I get a job, I would say "well time to go get a baby now"

BUT there is still a lot more assurance with having a job and degree in hand.
Shoot she doesnt have a job either. That didnt help me feel any better the first time we were pregnant.
And it sure as hell aint helping now.
THis probably one of the hardest decisions Ive ever had to make up to this point.

Im kinda stuck. Im trying all my lifelines here. Im not sure if I'd find another chick thats compatible with me as much as she is, let alone better than her (atleast for me)

shes even saying that she would rather move on to someone else and start from scratch with them and would rather have a baby with them than wait on me for how ever long that I want one.
IMO it doesnt make sense to me because which ever way you cut it, you're not going to get one ASAP. Why not wait it out with me? But then again although it dont make sense to me,its how she feelin. And as unreasonable she may seem right now, i cant change her outlook on it.

Perhaps you should look at going to a joint counselling session..

But in my opinion dude, a girl who says that ^^ is not a girl that loves you with her whole heart. I can't believe she would even say that. To me that says she doesn't love you, she's ready to give up everything you have together asap just so she can have a kid, and with a dude she'd have to start afresh with.

What makes her think she's going to straight up find a dude that wants to have kids early on in the relationship?


As soon as she said that, she'd be dead to me. Regardless of how hurt I may be, I couldn't continue on with someone who said that. It'd always be there in the back of my mind, eating away at me slowly.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Wow @ her ONLY being 22. Man I was in here thinking this girl's time was running out. I thought she was about to hit 30 or something. Damn the world really makes women think they aren't &!*$% if they aren't married with kids.

But no disrespect, the fact that she doesn't have a degree nor a job add a big spin to the whole story. Right now she is a liability. And she is having a baby so that means YOU and only YOU will realistically be the financial provider. She won't even be in a position to help you anytime soon. Don't do it man. Don't do it. I probably won't end up good.

Man OP, be honest here, is there ANY chance that you are thinking about giving in? Be honest?

Are you sure she won't go to counseling? What if you went with her?

Damn this is a tough situation, but she might have to be set free if she doesn't get it.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Wow @ her ONLY being 22. Man I was in here thinking this girl's time was running out. I thought she was about to hit 30 or something. Damn the world really makes women think they aren't &!*$% if they aren't married with kids.

But no disrespect, the fact that she doesn't have a degree nor a job add a big spin to the whole story. Right now she is a liability. And she is having a baby so that means YOU and only YOU will realistically be the financial provider. She won't even be in a position to help you anytime soon. Don't do it man. Don't do it. I probably won't end up good.

Man OP, be honest here, is there ANY chance that you are thinking about giving in? Be honest?

Are you sure she won't go to counseling? What if you went with her?

Damn this is a tough situation, but she might have to be set free if she doesn't get it.