If you raised someone else's child for three plus years....

[mr jordan04]

I think you're almost damned If you do, damned if you dont.

 

[orsrt8]

I commend you OP for doing what a lot of men can't do and wouldn't even think of doing.Not to many men would raise a kid that aint theirs.
If you really love this kid like you say you do, be in his life. Be his mentor. Especially if he doesn't have any positive male influences. I know its a hard situation to explain between you and your new girl but you gotta make sure you can keep it strictly business with the ex. Cause if you start coming around just to spent time with the kid, you know she's gonna do everything in her power to reel you back in. Without trying to be too dramatic, you wouldn't like to hear years down the line that this kid went down the wrong route. You would be blaming yourself . I just think staying in his life is the right thing. He will be forever grateful.

 

[tomdiginson]

Sticky situation op. I think you should stay friends with the mom and just be an uncle/godfather to the kid. You have good intentions but you don't wanna make any bad decisions and ruin your future in regards to your new girl.

 

[uncalled4boy]

Tough Situation OP

. All I Would Say Is Do What Morally Feels Best And Respects All Parties. 
You Dont Wanna Risk Something Good Wit The New Lady, Yet It Aint Cool For Another Boy To Lack A Good Male Role Model Out Chere

Update Us On How It Works Out

 

[ill steelo]

Originally Posted by Yeah


You don't have to make it to every peewee football game, or jeopardize your new relationship in trying to provide care for little dude, but I would imagine that simply leaving gifts on the door step wouldn't fill the void in either of your lives.

 

[sundoobie]

Originally Posted by 6 rings MJ

You need to cut ties completely.. The boy is 4 years old..

Ten years from now.. the little boy will not even remember who you are..

Best advice right here.  Why you tripping on the little man for?   Kid was a package deal with your ex so once she's out of the picture... so is he.  
Move on and stop confusing the little dude. Plus the next guy your ex will date won't want you around anyways so why bother? 

 

[Hallorrann]

move on man your intentions are definitely noble and I commend your loyalty but ultimately you're probably only causing more confusion for that kid
children thrive on stability

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

Originally Posted by HeavenlyHustler

bro let me tell u somethin. as a man who was in the EXACT same situation in 06, just let it go and move on.
I was dating a girl who when i met her had a 2yr old son. long story short, i was like his dad, he even forgot i wasnt sometimes and called me dad or would name me if asked his dads name u feel me.
when we broke up 4 years later and he was 6, i tried to stay around in his life but it was impossible because no matter how much i cared for him, the lingering fact in the back of my mind that he his no blood relation made it clear to me that if ever came a time that he really needed something, i wouldnt go out of my way to do it cause of his mothers ineptness in raising her child. he would be caught in the middle on alot of stuff.
so it was better to just forget him.
he's 11 now and has forgotten me even tho im now friends with his mom, my ex.

so, i say, @$+% it bro. keep it pushin. maybe throw him something this christmas thats gonna make a statement like this is goodbye.
maybe an xbox or ps3

I did a pretty good job at cutting off all ties...even with people that associate with her.  I would rather he gets something...I don't need the credit or want anya accolades from giving him things. I just know that he is not getting it from any other person, and if by some chance something changed in the last couple of weeks and he is...that is great too.  I don't believe in being friends on that level with someone as if you truly ever loved/cared for another person...a platonic friendship between both parties is near impossible.  Kids are a lot smarter at 4 years old than most people give them credit for....his memory is amazing and while 10 years later he may forget about me completely, the legacy and impact on him can last a lifetime.  

What up:  Yeah it really has nothing to do with her and she is a non-factor in it....to keep it bluntly.  I mean it does indirectly affect her and even with an anonymous gift, she is still intelligent enough to know my style and know where it came from.   The last time I stopped by to pick up my Social Security card and some files after I had moved out...she allowed me to see him and I slept with her, this was after she was adament about him not seeing me and keeping it strictly business.  Things are easier said than done from a distance so that is why all ties were just severed.  I sleep good at night because I know I went above and beyond the standard and she probably doesn't sleep well because her head is filled with regret and her pride got the best of her. 

dnycemodel:  The new girl wouldn't have a say in something like that at this stage...If I want to do something, I will do it, but at the same time I am trying to be respectful to all parties involved.  No one wants to get involved with someone with past stuff lingering around.  


  abutta13:  I won't argue that...but unfortunately that is how the cards have been played at this point.  In a perfect world things would be different, but I guess it is what it is at this point.  

 Space DooDoo Pistols: I wouldn't say all of that...you can be suprised what you can do when you actually care for something and are passionate about it.  Find your passion and it will take you to new heights.  I never thought I would date a girl with a child in a million years...but I was also open minded enough not to judge someone and potentially miss out on a great experience.

Yeah:  I appreciate the kind words....thank you.  I did a lot in my time there and there is nothing anyone can say to discredit that, despite certain people's personal issues with me regarding other matters.  I drove a 160 mile daily commute round trip to go to work when we all lived together...still made time to play basketball with him at the gym, come home and read, play games/puzzles, etc. and  ease the burden off the mother.  I just don't think she realized how lucky she was that she had someone that helped out that much...her stubborness and false sense of independence/caring about what other people thought was her downfall.  She is too proud to pick up the phone or take the time to write and actually express that and ask me to visit her son or come to his birthday....she thinks she knows me well enough that I will just do it without having to be asked or told. 

twizzi:  I don't even know what I would say to her...I don't have much to say, my actions lately speak for themselves I guess.  I focused all of that energy that used to be spent on them....on me.  I forgot what it was like to have so much free time, work out for hours 5 days a week, and respark my career. 


sage909:  That's awesome...just a shame kids out of wedlock don't always get a stable set of parents with good intentions.  They deserve that at least....and a gift from "Santa" or "Batman" should be straight.

ORSRT8: Yeah those are all things that cross my mind when I am idle and have a moment....I try and not let my ego/pride get the best of me...I have seen what it is like to lose family at a young age and never really tell them how you feel, so I always became good at being the bigger person and expressing myself without worrying how it may be perceived.

TomDiginson:  True, the new girl is on point and is at/exceeds all of the things my old girl were capable of doing....she just doesn't have a kid, which is good and bad I guess.  It is like comparing apples to oranges.

UnCalled4Boy: I will do so and thanks...definitely a tough one, that most likely won't have any reprocussions until years later. 

SunDOOBIE: I don't think I have done anything to confuse him at this point....this was all just theory and potential things based on thought.   A new guy in the picture will have a lot more to deal with than just me lingering around and that is the first rule of dating a girl with a child...IT IS NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT ANYMORE. The kid's interest come first and if there is a situation that is best for him, a new man/etc. really has to eat that one and be secure enough to deal with it.  I had to as well.  It is tough, no doubt.  

 

[lildisciple111]

damnn whose gonna teach lil man to dribble with his left?? . .j.k man thats a tough situation. good luck to you bruh. i'm sure you'll figure it out

 

[weekz]

Discuss it with your new girl. Let her know you want a relationship with this woman's son but not with her. Perhaps stay in his life like other people have said, cool uncle status.

 

[al audi]

Cut ties, man I'd never get in a situation like that, while its respectable what you did, ya gotta look at the big picture. I don't mess with chicks with kids personally, if I did I never let it get to that level.

 

[l337six]

No ayo but this is some sweet $*!!. Thats your buddy man, I hope you guys can continue to have some sort of relationship.

 

[rojanjon]

Set an example for lil man...stop by, be straight, say what's up to dude and give him his gifts...tell him you love him...chances are he's really gonna need you when he gets older...hard to keep kids in school, out of prison or the ground nowadays...

My dad was never around when I was little and my mom's one boyfriend that I was around for years when I was really young stayed in my life and was always there to man up on me and speak to me about being a man after my grandfather passed away...without that influence I would have been much worse off...

Ask the Father for guidance...He'll tell you...

 

[frostythepoptart]

Originally Posted by mytmouse76

I say cut all ties. As. Ad as it sounds he's not your responsibility and you don't want his mother holding him over your head when she feels like it. What are you gonna do if you get engaged to the new girl and she cuts you off from him? You have no legal rights. It would be amazon if she allowed you to be in his life drama free but from what you've posted in the past that probably won't happen. Plus I'm sure it's not easy for her to move on with you coming around and her son already being so attached to you. She'll put that bug in your ear about what y'all had and how much Lil man would love it. Next thing you know she has you questioning your current situation.

Maybe give the gifts to her fam to give to Lil man from you. I doubt your new lady would mind that.

Sad to think the effect this could have on him but that's more her concern and maybe when he's older he'll understand.

QFT. No gifts no anything. it sucks but you have to move on. He was taken out of your life and that says a lot. If she gets a new man your presence may not be so welcomed. Just cut all ties including the little man

sucks but its probably for the best

 

[benssick]

Originally Posted by offbad

yah probably send anon gifts maybe write "From Santa" if you're that generous.

otherwise, do nothing.

*edit*
oh wait also forgot to mention don't do anything you would have to hide from your new girl.

 

[degenerate423]

Personally, I would leave that situation alone.  You're never gonna be able to see him on a consistent basis, and you don't want this situation to be a hindrance on the rest of your life.  I could see the benfit in getting him a gift, but, honestly, it's not gonna mean much a year from now.  Just keep it moving, I know it sucks, but you not being able to see him on a consistent basis will be worse than him just not seeing you...

 

[emmmmy]

anonymous gifts are solid.
just keep it at that

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

Originally Posted by lildisciple111

damnn whose gonna teach lil man to dribble with his left?? . .j.k man thats a tough situation. good luck to you bruh. i'm sure you'll figure it out

Haha...he is actually left handed!  I was working with him on the right and some post moves.  Thanks man.

Al Audi:  I once said the same thing as you and even looked at others who dated women with children as blasphemous...sitting on my high horse like, "I would never do that..."  I didn't just date her to sleep with her and such.  I fully intended to marry her, like someone mentioned....she was wifey status, but I guess my intentions and God's plan didn't align correctly.  We both had good careers and were raising this little child pretty damn well...it just is what it is I guess.

 rojanjon:  I agree with that...I never knew my dad growing up at all, saw him for the first time when I was 17 and found out he lived up the road in DC.  My brother passed when I was 17 and so did my Grandfather, so there was never really any male influences or positive male mentors in my life, but I managed to observe a lot and pick up on things so I guess I came out straight.  I basically learned what to do, by seeing what not to do.   I wouldn't want the lil man to go through that and if I have the opportunity to prevent someone from experiencing a youth like that....by all means I would love to do so. 

frostythepoptart:  I know thats right...I wouldn't want another personality in an already overcrowded situation, but I am not really thinking about the likes/dislikes of a potential new man.  He has some big shoes to fill though. 



I appreciate all the responses from you guys....there have been some really insightful posts and I am usually a very decisive person that doesn't seek input from other people, but I have been going back and forth with this one for the last few weeks and even today, everytime I feel like I have my mind made up....it changes up on me.  I think in my 10+ years on NT I have only posted two personal stories relating to my real life.   So this is pretty crucial. 

I have less than two weeks to let God shed some light on the scenario. 

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

Originally Posted by Degenerate423

Personally, I would leave that situation alone.  You're never gonna be able to see him on a consistent basis, and you don't want this situation to be a hindrance on the rest of your life.  I could see the benfit in getting him a gift, but, honestly, it's not gonna mean much a year from now.  Just keep it moving, I know it sucks, but you not being able to see him on a consistent basis will be worse than him just not seeing you...

Almost a no win situation...seems like it would have been better to never have met them or entered his life at all unless I was going to be there forever. 

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

Originally Posted by emmmmy

anonymous gifts are solid.
just keep it at that

Only dilemma with that would be sending it to the right address...could just send it to the mother's address, barring things haven't changed to that extent.

 

[solewoman]

listen tot he women. i know your attached...but i can see your new female catching an attitude quick about this...she may think its an excuse to see the kids mom. and the kids mom may get a false sense of hope by you still coming around...people come in your life for seasons....the season has changed. let it go

 

[dimez81]

JesusShuttlesworth34 is that dude btw.

But honestly, You need to let go of the situation completely. Sound like you found your own happiness, and right now you need to let the past go.

You can't be the one that plays a father figure if you don't plan on being in there lives anymore. When a new guy comes around it would just confuse the situation further.

Just let it be.

 

[supermanblue79]

Keeping the child in your life means keeping his mother in your life.  You can 't have both.

Cut ties.
Build with your new woman.

 

[wraith aka invincible]

i would move on

 

[the anomolie]

Dude I commend your efforts. Not a lot of guys would do that. It sounds like to me the ex didn't appreciate you (good guy) . I don't get women. They wonder why men choose to be an !#%@%#$. Is your current girlfriend understanding of the situation?