Black Culture Discussion Thread

[deuce king]

Depends on the setting.

In classrooms/businesses etc, I’m all for presenting yourself well.

When outside, do whatever you want. I dont judge people for wearing bonnets outside like some in here.

The thing about it is…..you have to go outside just to even get to a classroom/business setting. You don’t just walk out of your front door and you’re automatically there at the classroom.

The judging starts the minute you leave out the confront of your home and enter the public.

 

[maq25060]

I have to make announcements weekly to these kids to wash their a**es. Weekly. Carry deodorant, bring a pack of wipes in your booking and freshen up after recess. Drink water. Carry gum. Groom.

Parents are letting them (or the kids ain't listening) walk out the house any type of way.

It's disgusting.

As a parent of a 10 year old whose hygiene is bad, I promise you it is not without effort on my (and their mom's) end.

Its only so much I can do...the child has to care enough to do it.

I say that to say dont hold it against ALL parents. Its a helpless battle sometimes.

 

[deuce king]

“I don’t judge people’s character off of their clothing”………………………”unless you have your *** out”……..LOL.

Folks are doing a good job of lying to themselves that’s for certain.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

As a parent of a 10 year old whose hygiene is bad, I promise you it is not without effort on my (and their mom's) end.

Its only so much I can do...the child has to care enough to do it.

I say that to say dont hold it against ALL parents. Its a helpless battle sometimes.

Boy or a girl?

What is happening exactly if you don't mind me asking? What is the child refusing to do?

 

[finessence]

I have to make announcements weekly to these kids to wash their a**es. Weekly. Carry deodorant, bring a pack of wipes in your booking and freshen up after recess. Drink water. Carry gum. Groom.

Parents are letting them (or the kids ain't listening) walk out the house any type of way.

It's disgusting.

Damn. Shortys (boys and girls) not even bathing or wearing deodorant? Wow

I NEVER went to school without having showered or brush my teeth the day before or morning of.

And I’m a guy. I was that young boy that never had issues bathing or making sure my hygiene was up to par

 

[tokes99]

Where do you draw the line between JUDGING and forming a quick opinion of?

I feel we are human beings and because of how our brains work, it's practically impossible not to use past information when encountering/seeing something new.

We will all form an opinion about folks dressed a certain way while out. If we see a group of teenaged boys in ski masks, we will have an opinion. If we see a group of girls dressing like "the women of the night" walking outside @ 7 am, we will form an opinion.

If we see someone wearing a suit, we wouldn't be on alert AS much as we would if someone was out looking like an unkempt individual.

We form opinions on what we see and based on how people dress. It's involuntary.

But how do you (you) define JUDGING?

it's hard not to form a quick opinion/judge based off appearance(s), probably even more difficult to not let that inference dictate how one will act/respond, because you never really know what someone has going on...it can be a fine line to give the benefit of doubt/grace & being a victim outchea...and it's known that folk that people considered (un)attractive are treated differently

that said I think most people let the context decide how much they will let the quick assessment(s) guide the interaction

 

[Present]

At some point in time as a collective body WE have to get back to having a set standard for ourselves and how we represent ourselves individually and as a whole. That “putting your head down and just letting people do whatever” mindset has gotten us nowhere…..and actually has set us back.

Define "WE", please.

 

[maq25060]

Boy or a girl?

What is happening exactly if you don't mind me asking? What is the child refusing to do?

Girl.

She doesn't take washing up properly serious enough. Getting in the shower with the water running is good enough, it seems. Again, we've gone to great lengths to get her to understand she NEEDS to use that time properly, but its only so much we can do. Not gonna wash her up at this point...she'll just walk around smelling like that.

Beyond that, she hasnt accepted or adopted applying deodorant after her showers. Its been over a year now and I have to ask her the question every damn day. Every. *******. Day.

Theres more, but I've put enough of my baby's business in the street.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

maq25060

I come in peace but if your child can't be trusted to wash themselves up you need to do it. When she is out in the world smelling like that, the adults will think, "WTF are her parents doing."

That's not on her to be responsible for that, especially if she has shown she can't be trusted.

You can't leave it up to her. Get in the bathroom and watch/coach her to do it.

 

[maq25060]

maq25060

I come in peace but if your child can't be trusted to wash themselves up you need to do it. When she is out in the world smelling like that, the adults will think, "WTF are her parents doing."

That's not on her to be responsible for that, especially if she has shown she can't be trusted.

You can't leave it up to her.

Peace received...

She's going through puberty. Its an awkward time. She's too old for me to wash her up. I do encourage her mom to be more investigative during her showers, but i can only ask so much if I'm unwilling to do it myself.

But the same way I ask my wife to give my son privacy during that (wash up) time is the same way I'm going to give my dauther privacy during that time. Thats a boundary I've set and won't cross. Don't want to normalize being naked around the opposite sex.

I also dont want to normalize walking around stinking...and I dont. She's informed by me about the issue...but yeah...

 

[maq25060]

maq25060


That's not on her to be responsible for that, especially if she has shown she can't be trusted.

I wanted to point this out. My wife and are are in consistent discussion regarding what we should expect our kids to be responsible for. She would say everything lol...i would say not many, but a few things.

If the kid wasn't keeping their room tidy, should it be the parents responsibility to clean up for them? Or a common area in the home where theyve made a mess? Depends on the age, right? Obviously not expecting a 2 year old to clean up, but how about 6? 8?

Or maybe household chores...dishes...laundry? When is it fair to EXPECT the child to handle these responsibilities?

 

[DCAllAfrican]

I got you, but when I said, "YOU" I was referring to you and/or the mother.

Respect for keeping those boundaries but what is stopping her from washing up your daughter?

 

[finessence]

Peace received...

She's going through puberty. Its an awkward time. She's too old for me to wash her up. I do encourage her mom to be more investigative during her showers, but i can only ask so much if I'm unwilling to do it myself.

But the same way I ask my wife to give my son privacy during that (wash up) time is the same way I'm going to give my dauther privacy during that time. Thats a boundary I've set and won't cross. Don't want to normalize being naked around the opposite sex.

I also dont want to normalize walking around stinking...and I dont. She's informed by me about the issue...but yeah...

You can sort of make her bathe with a bathing suit on to make her feel comfortable.

Hopefully it’s just a phase.

We’ve all grown up with tomboys, so to speak. I knew several girls who were rough and tumble as kids.

Prim and proper as heck now. It’s probably just a phase.

When you guys ask her why she doesn’t like to bathe or wear deodorant, what’s her response?

Does she know how to style her hair?

 

[DCAllAfrican]

I wanted to point this out. My wife and are are in consistent discussion regarding what we should expect our kids to be responsible for. She would say everything lol...i would say not many, but a few things.

If the kid wasn't keeping their room tidy, should it be the parents responsibility to clean up for them? Or a common area in the home where theyve made a mess? Depends on the age, right? Obviously not expecting a 2 year old to clean up, but how about 6? 8?

Or maybe household chores...dishes...laundry? When is it fair to EXPECT the child to handle these responsibilities?

Washing your a** affects how the entire family is being represented in public. If the child can't do it right, yall (should) have no other choice but to do it.

As far as household duties, if they don't do it they don't get to do what they want to do/get what they want to get. They will fall in line eventually.

Start out with them doing the tasks, so they have no excuse as to not knowing how to do it and the gradually release responsibility to them. Make it a game, make it fun.

 

[Present]

Can't speak for others, but when I see folks wearing or doing things I don't appreciate, I have enough common sense to think about my own thoughts.

'Why is this bothering me?"

Folks are way too quick to assume every thought they have is right just because they thought it.

The second thing I do is ask myself, "How does this impact my life?"

If I don't know them, I have zero authority over them, zero accountability for them, and they aren't bothering me, then I might need to check myself.

I am not accountable for what I have no authority over.

My thoughts and actions are my own, just as theirs are theirs. Live and let live.

If I don't like men sagging their pants or wearing shiesty masks - who cares? My preferences are not their problem.

If they're sitting on my car, that's a whole other story.

PS: It wouldn't matter if they were wearing a quarter-zip or a Catholic nun's habit.

 

[maq25060]

I got you, but when I said, "YOU" I was referring to you and/or the mother.

Respect for keeping those boundaries but what is stopping her from washing up your daughter?

See the post right above this one lol. And her schedule...she typically works nights.

But remove the schedule obstacle. I dont disagree with my wife not washing her up. The kid has to learn how to do it on her own at some point and I'm of the opinion that shes of the age where she can do it, shes just choosing not to.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

See the post right above this one lol. And her schedule...she typically works nights.

But remove the schedule obstacle. I dont disagree with my wife not washing her up. The kid has to learn how to do it on her own at some point and I'm of the opinion that shes of the age where she can do it, shes just choosing not to.

Yea that's where we will just respectfully agree to disagree.

She isn't doing it right, and because she is refusing to do it yall HAVE to do it.

OR, yall will simply be the family that teachers talk about their daughter stinking because their parents don't care.

Real talk, if CPS is called don't be surprised. I say that will full respect.

 

[maq25060]

When you guys ask her why she doesn't wear deodorant, what’s her response?

I tweaked your wuestion a bit.

The answer tk what I changed it tk? "I forgot".

So, we've been doing this for a year, and you manage to forget everyday? Yeah, ok...which is why its not a know how problem to me. Not even sure its a want to problem. Its a "not taken seriously enough" problem.

 

[maq25060]

Yea that's where we will just respectfully agree to disagree.

She isn't doing it right, and because she is refusing to do it yall HAVE to do it.

OR, yall will simply be the family that teachers talk about their daughter stinking because their parents don't care.

Real talk, if CPS is called don't be surprised. I say that will full respect.

If CPS were called, they'd see a home that provides for the children in it. Rooms with beds, toys, full closets and clothes drawers. Stocked fridge and pantry. Working lights, working water, etc etc...maybe the visit from CPS could be the thing that gets her to wash up properly.

I appreciate the dialogue for sure...and I fully agree that the situation is greater than her...she is a representative of my unit and is currently making us all look bad. But shes gotra decide when shes ready to change. I cannot do that for her.

Would it be fair to think I've got to wash her up the rest of her life? We quite often speak to how children are coddled and not allowed to grow up. Washing up a pre-teen would be that to me.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

I tweaked your wuestion a bit.

The answer tk what I changed it tk? "I forgot".

So, we've been doing this for a year, and you manage to forget everyday? Yeah, ok...which is why its not a know how problem to me. Not even sure its a want to problem. Its a "not taken seriously enough" problem.

Give her a stick of deodorant to put in her bookbag.

Contact her teacher before lunch that can remind her to reApply it.

COntact a social worker/guidance counselor to check in with her about her freshening up during the day.

You can't just throw your hands up and say, "That's her problem."

Hell nah man. She is 10.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

If CPS were called, they'd see a home that provides for the children in it.

I appreciate the dialogue for sure...and I fully agree that the situation is greater than her...she is a representative of my unit and is currently making us all look bad. But shes gotra decide when shes ready to change. I cannot do that for her.

Would it be fair to think I've got to wash her up the rest of her life? We quite often speak to how children are coddled and not allowed to grow up. Washing up a pre-teen would be that to me.

You got it.

THis ain't a serious convo about a 10 year old child.

I tap out.

 

[Present]

I provide food, clothing, and shelter to my child and supply my child with everything they require.

My home shows zero signs of neglect, nor am I depriving my child of a means to clean themselves.

They CHOSE not to do so.

What's CPS gonna do?

 

[deuce king]

Define "WE", please.

The short answer would be if I have to define “WE” to you or anyone else IN the BLACK CULTURE THEAD then you or anyone else that needs definition shouldn’t even be in this thread in the first place.

When I say WE…..I mean we as in black people, the black community, the black folks that SHOULD know better.

 

[maq25060]

Give her a stick of deodorant to put in her bookbag.

Contact her teacher before lunch that can remind her to reApply it.

COntact a social worker/guidance counselor to check in with her about her freshening up during the day.

You can't just throw your hands up and say, "That's her problem."

Hell nah man. She is 10.

...yeah, we put deodorant in her bookbag...

I know you said you tapped out...i just want to point out there is such a huge amount of space in between what you believe to be the correct approach and "just throwing up my hands". I reside in that space, and to imply that approach is simply throwing up my hands overlooks the efforts I have put forth to right the situation.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

I provide food, clothing, and shelter to my child and supply my child with everything they require.

My home shows zero signs of neglect, nor am I depriving my child of a means to clean themselves.

They CHOSE not to do so.

What's CPS gonna do?

Sending a child to school with body odors is LITERALLY what we are told to report to CPS for them to investigate neglect.

Are yall being forreal right now?