Originally Posted by JoRDaN201
I was at work during the whole conference.
Is there anywhere I can watch it in its entirety?
here's the part of the transcript.....
[h2]Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex[/h2]
February 19, 2010 |
Issue 46•07
[h2]Related Articles[/h2]
PONTE VEDRA BEACH, FL—In an announcementhighly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told asmall gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the mostdominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex.
"Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been toughon me," Woods said. "I've missed it. I love ##%*+!@ with all my heart."
Woods said that during his brief time away from sex, he couldn'tstop thinking about one day resuming his daily regimen of sexualintercourse with random women who look vaguely like his wife, onlyskankier.
"When I am out there having sex, I am in complete control," saidWoods, an acknowledged master of the long game who claims he is onlytruly at peace when he is between the legs of a woman. "It's just meand my thoughts. And a high-end escort. And the lounge dancer. Andsometimes [caddie] Stevie. And probably some stewardess I just met."
"I'm so into it that I usually just block out all the cameras," Woods added.
Saying that ##%*+!@ is his "calling and [his] one true passion,"Woods spoke of how he has always adored the sight of a neatly trimmedmound, the smell of fresh stank early in the morning when the &*(&glisten with dewy juices, and the feel of a perfect impact with awoman's vagina.
"That sensation just flows right up the shaft, through my hands, andquavers up and down my spine," Woods said. "Ever since I was 16, I'veloved that feeling. It's like new every time."
"To be honest, I'd do this for free," Woods added. "I'm the luckiest guy in the world."
During his announcement, Woods released an aggressive touringschedule that reaffirmed his commitment to sex. He is slated to takepart in a three-day lovemaking session in March at the Clarion Hotel inOrlando, and confirmed that he would join a foursome at the DoralResort and Spa in Miami as a tune-up for his first major&*(&*(nAugusta, GA.
In addition, Woods said he will not renege on his annual stop inDubai, and said he looked forward to boning a prostitute on the roof ofthis year's venue, the Burj Al Arab Hotel.
The 34-year-old sexual superstar said he is "far from satisfied" byhis previous erotic achievements and that he expects to return to sexeven stronger than before. However, Woods admitted he may not be in topform at first.
"I'll probably be a little rusty," Woods said. "But once I swing theold $%*$ around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I'mconfident that I'll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have."
"There will be times when I get into some thick &*(&, and I'll haveto set my jaw and hack my way through it," Woods continued. "Just keepmy head down and hit that with all the force I can muster. I welcomethe challenge."
Woods believes that his long game, which relies on innate strengthand stamina, has probably suffered the least from his hiatus, but thathis finesse, iron control, and deft touch around the hole are aspectsof his game that may be slow to come back.
"I just have to take my time, visualize the line, and read the grainand the slope of the vulva correctly," Woods said. "It's really allmental at that point."
Reaction to Woods' announcement has been generally positive. Many ofhis closest friends, including Mark O'Mera, said that Woods' returnwould undoubtedly be great for sex, and that, selfishly, he loves towatch Woods out there doing his thing.
Woods' fans have also been supportive.
"I'm so glad Tiger is coming back," said 27-year-old Florida resident and cocktail waitress Brandi Hughes. "He's the best."
Woods concluded his press conference by saying that he is lookingforward to chasing Jack Nicklaus' record of ##%*+!@ 18 major babes atone time.
