I have wasted my 30s (34) dwelling on lost connections so I feel you.
What do you mean by lost connections?
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I have wasted my 30s (34) dwelling on lost connections so I feel you.
Goin thru the sa.e **** hereSo recently i've been dealing with some heavy depression and idk if it's because of covid or just ish in general but i've lashed out on numerous people all but my roommate. I've gotten to the point i've wanted to shoot my brother, gotten to the point i've wanted to literally curse two women out for how foolish and stupid they were. Hell I've even wanted to go back and forth with my supervisor a few times. But every time now at night even when I moved out on my own i feel empty and as if I've let myself down constantly. I've been trying my hardest to get back into focusing on my career but it's like every time my depression and feelings get in the way. I've tried venting to a few people but they criticize me if anything so it's been difficult to get this off my chest.
Goin turu the same **** man. Mines steams from a tramatic injury and i havent been right sinceSo recently i've been dealing with some heavy depression and idk if it's because of covid or just ish in general but i've lashed out on numerous people all but my roommate. I've gotten to the point i've wanted to shoot my brother, gotten to the point i've wanted to literally curse two women out for how foolish and stupid they were. Hell I've even wanted to go back and forth with my supervisor a few times. But every time now at night even when I moved out on my own i feel empty and as if I've let myself down constantly. I've been trying my hardest to get back into focusing on my career but it's like every time my depression and feelings get in the way. I've tried venting to a few people but they criticize me if anything so it's been difficult to get this off my chest.
So recently i've been dealing with some heavy depression and idk if it's because of covid or just ish in general but i've lashed out on numerous people all but my roommate. I've gotten to the point i've wanted to shoot my brother, gotten to the point i've wanted to literally curse two women out for how foolish and stupid they were. Hell I've even wanted to go back and forth with my supervisor a few times. But every time now at night even when I moved out on my own i feel empty and as if I've let myself down constantly. I've been trying my hardest to get back into focusing on my career but it's like every time my depression and feelings get in the way. I've tried venting to a few people but they criticize me if anything so it's been difficult to get this off my chest.
Have you considered trying to change your ways?I've accepted that I'm a bad person. Some people are undeserving of love and care and I definitely fall under that umbrella. This realization helps me cope with the reality of being anxious, lonely, angry and depressed until I die.
I've accepted that I'm a bad person. Some people are undeserving of love and care and I definitely fall under that umbrella. This realization helps me cope with the reality of being anxious, lonely, angry and depressed until I die.
Have you considered trying to change your ways?
Just curious as to why you consider yourself a bad person?
No ones undeserving of love my friend. Sadness is temporary and you do have the power to change itI've accepted that I'm a bad person. Some people are undeserving of love and care and I definitely fall under that umbrella. This realization helps me cope with the reality of being anxious, lonely, angry and depressed until I die.
As crazy as it is I actually relate to a lot of this and more.Some of my ways, yes. In regard to the others, I feel that I'm at the point of no return. It's not as if I have plans to live a long chronological life. At 28 years of age, I have the maturity of a 16 year old accompanied by the bitterness of an angry 80 year old. I'm approaching the end of my life, and will be dead by my mid-late thirties. Even if I provided a maximal effort in changing who I am, why bother when I'll be dead in less than a decade? I have one goal left to accomplish in life then it's time to roll credits. I should've died at 26, but I botched my suicide attempt. By my mid-late thirties, I will have built the courage for another attempt and hopefully completed the aforementioned goal.
I'll try to be as succinct as possible. I have a few good qualities, but I'm arrogant, selfish, narcissistic and unappreciative. I mistreat people who more often than not are undeserving of it, including former friends and family members and I wish horrible things upon these same people. I'm not going to derail this thread by going into great depth about former friends I've turned my back on, women that I've mistreated nor hoping that X person gets cancer or dies in a car accident, etc.
Can u link your depression to specific thing that triggered it by chance? megagraphitti I'm asking you this as well. Had an old friend off him/herself (trans), and I wished what that person brought up what was going on up in the brain.As crazy as it is I actually relate to a lot of this and more.
Not only have I been dealing with extreme depression but I also have abandonment issues and have been lonely for a long time. I’ve been trying to use alcohol and weed to cope but it’s definitely been making me more emotional at times. Lost my grandmother in 2013 and haven’t really been the same since. Don’t even believe I can be in a meaningful relationship because I’m such damaged goods. I’ve had a few run ins with being suicidal in the past decade but I’ve been having more and more suicidal thoughts recently. Luckily we don’t keep any firearms in the house.
Just needed to get things off my chest and out my mind. Don’t really have anyone to vent to without judgement so I figure why not here.
Can u link your depression to specific thing that triggered it by chance? megagraphitti I'm asking you this as well. Had an old friend off him/herself (trans), and I wished what that person brought up what was going on up in the brain.
Apologizes for the late response:My depression was "triggered" by various things. I couldn't possibly attribute it to one lone factor. My mother, like the majority of her siblings, was physically abused throughout her childhood. I should note that I was never physically abused. My father also left my mother prior to my birth and proceeded to have three daughters with another woman. Therefore, I was a male raised by an overprotective, overly emotional, complacent single mother with low self-esteem. A male will surely develop into a weak, submissive coward under these circumstances.
I also attended predominantly white schools throughout my formative years as a black male, which really just added to my already-developing self-hate and anger issues. In retrospect, I began to show signs of depression and anxiety around eight or nine years of age. I can recall being 11 and just starting to play with thoughts of death and suicide. These issues persisted through high school and university.
This is an abridged version of what occurred. I'm essentially just another overly emotional, self-hating male raised by a single mother. I resent both of my parents, but at least my mother tried. I also blame myself for what I've become because many people have had much harsher upbringings (e.g., no parents, not having opportunities to further education etc.) and still developed into better people than me.
Apologizes for the late response:
Anyhow based on this synopsis u just gave u come across as very self aware & that's a good thing b/c u can pick your inner gripes, u also just communicated this fairly well as well. Have you had the chance to talk either or your parents in a precise, honest, and healthy manner about these issues? It's seems to have start w/ them, especially your father. You can gain a lot answers from your creators.
Also, was anyone aware of your blooming depression at 8/0? Did you let anyone know you were potentially suicidal at 11?
I want to accomplish the following goals:
- Legally change first name because it symbolizes my self-hatred
- Break bad habits that hinder my gym and academic goals
- Move to a new city
- Obtain MA and PhD to prove that I could do it
- Cut all contact with my family
- Die
I hope to have completed all of this by my mid-late 30s.