If you raised someone else's child for three plus years....

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

If you raised someone else's child for three plus years....I am talking lived together, potty training, taught him how to play basketball, how to read, everything under the sun from the time he was 15 months old.  And you separate from the mother, what is the typical manner of handling birthdays/christmas for the little one.  She is been trying to contact me here and there, and I have just ignored her attempts.  I know she is expecting me to do something for her son, and as much as I would love to and want to...I know any effort I make to do so, will be misconstrued as attempting to head back to that lifestyle and situation.

I have a new job, new lady with no baggage, and I don't want to block future blessings by entertaining the past, but at the same time....I still view that little one as my own son essentially.  He is like a little version of me.

I was thinking just sending stuff anonymously?

Pictures for the illiterate ones... not posting pictures of the new female at this time.

 

[offbad]

yah probably send anon gifts maybe write "From Santa" if you're that generous.

otherwise, do nothing.

*edit*
oh wait also forgot to mention don't do anything you would have to hide from your new girl.

 

[georgehimself]

That is tough. You have to balance your girl's feelings and the boys. Imagine if you diss the boy and you end up breaking up with the new girl a year from now? I think if you spent time with the boy, you owe it to him to at least be a positive influence in his life. Maybe cool uncle status? Its a tough situation, but this is what happens when you mess with girls with kids.

 

[shoefreakbaby]

He so cute.

If you view him as your own son then you already know what you need to do.


Let it dwindle down, dont just cut him off cold, he is your friend.

 

[tupac jordan]

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

True, it is not a matter of even being generous...just from spending a considerable amount of time raising him and used to putting his interest and livelihood before mine.  It is still a part of me to do that.  If not this year...maybe next year.

The new girl has her beat in all categories and I am not trying to open up pandora's box of the past, but it would be cool to know he got something he enjoyed...like a new basketball hoop or a WII or something. 

 

[prymone]

drop off toys, smash, dip off

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

Originally Posted by shoefreakbaby

He so cute.

If you view him as your own son then you already know what you need to do.


Let it dwindle down, dont just cut him off cold, he is your friend.

That is true...that is my lil man for life, but due to the circumstances she wouldn't allow me to see him once we went separate ways.  She thought it would confuse him, etc.  I wanted nothing more to hang out, watch him, be the coach/babysitter and she could go do whatever.   I still wanted that bond our from our relationship, but she was very apprehensive and opposed it.  I think she had friends, coworkers, her sister telling her the grass was greener on the other side...and now she sees its not, but I had no choice but to keep it moving. 

So my pride is telling me to stick it to her and just keep it all in the past...but I definitely wish things were different in the sense I could see him.  Had a lot left to teach/show him, but all of that is going to jam up what I have going on.  No new girl is going to want to entertain me being tied to an old female flame. 

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

Originally Posted by Tupac Jordan

Haha....

There were many times I watched this movie and shook my head.  Many mornings with a young toddler at 5 am.

 

[shoefreakbaby]

Originally Posted by JesusShuttlesworth34

Originally Posted by shoefreakbaby

He so cute.

If you view him as your own son then you already know what you need to do.


Let it dwindle down, dont just cut him off cold, he is your friend.

That is true...that is my lil man for life, but due to the circumstances she wouldn't allow me to see him once we went separate ways.  She thought it would confuse him, etc.  I wanted nothing more to hang out, watch him, be the coach/babysitter and she could go do whatever.   I still wanted that bond our from our relationship, but she was very apprehensive and opposed it.  I think she had friends, coworkers, her sister telling her the grass was greener on the other side...and now she sees its not, but I had no choice but to keep it moving. 

So my pride is telling me to stick it to her and just keep it all in the past...but I definitely wish things were different in the sense I could see him.  Had a lot left to teach/show him, but all of that is going to jam up what I have going on.  No new girl is going to want to entertain me being tied to an old female flame. 

Sucky situation. I bet he misses you now so thats why she is getting at you.

I see why she thought it would confused him but what she did was premature.
Did he call you father,is his father in the picture?

 

[AZwildcats]

You sir are a better dude then me because I dont know if I would have stuck around for 3 yrs. Drop off gifts anonymously for the little dude though

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

The biological donor of sperm is a deadbeat dude...only tried to come around once I found out I was in the picture.  I was civil with him and respected that situation to a certain extent, but when he stole his son's tax return by falsely claiming him with his SSN, that was the last straw.  Showing up to my crib with Gold FP 1 on when you can't afford a carseat???  Ultimate bamma.

Yeah he called me dad or "Papi" in spanish, but as he got older he understood that I was his parent, but not his real father.

I don't think I am better than anyone for doing that...I chose to because I sincerely cared for him, probably even more than her. 

 

[megatron]

It's a tough situation, I wouldn't stick around for the child, you have moved on, she clearly hasn't. You cannot let this get involved with your current relationship. Best wishes to you and the child.

 

[littlepetewrigley]

First I admire the fact that you stepped up to the plate and have raised a child which isn't even yours.

Kudos to you.

Since things with his mom didn't work out, and the fact that you consider him to be your son (and he likely sees you as his dad), you shouldn't just abandon him.

That's the worst thing you could do. The worst thing you could do (repeated, for emphasis). It's a lot like divorce, when the parents can't make it work and the father (often) leaves the picture,
the child is left feeling abandoned and on their own.

His mother needs to understand this. Your new girl as well.

He (the child) may feel that he was complicit in the dissolution of the relationship. Please make sure he understands that it wasn't his fault, even if it
contributed to the breakup.

I'd say come around every once in a while and be more of an "uncle" than a dad. It won't be the same, but I'm sure he won't feel left alone.

Be a presence, be there - to an extent. You already have been, just balance it out with your new girl, his mom and everything else, again, TRY to put him and his feelings first.

Parents (in this case, his mom) NEED to understand that it's the child who really ends up losing.

 

[dathbgboy]

Iron out the situation w/ the moms and let ur new girl know what's goin on. If you spent that much time in his life and u have that bond w/ him, keep it if his mother will allow it. Believe it or not, young minds are impressionable and if u were once there then just disappeared, who knows how it may affect him.

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

I spent much of the last year making attempts and we even tried to get back together...but it was her call to have me not remain in his life and I was forced to keep it moving.  I reached out and offered to babysit so she could go out and be a young single woman...I thoroughly enjoyed my time with her son and wanted to continue that part of our relationship.  She really thought she could find someone to exceed my level of care and such....so in that regard, I feel no pity for her, but I would enjoy being part of his life, but I never wanted to float in and out of his life.  I didn't want to miss months at a time...because, when you miss months at those younger years, it feels like ages. 

 

[shoefreakbaby]

Originally Posted by JesusShuttlesworth34

The biological donor of sperm is a deadbeat dude...only tried to come around once I found out I was in the picture.  I was civil with him and respected that situation to a certain extent, but when he stole his son's tax return by falsely claiming him with his SSN, that was the last straw.  Showing up to my crib with Gold FP 1 on when you can't afford a carseat???  Ultimate bamma.

Yeah he called me dad or "Papi" in spanish, but as he got older he understood that I was his parent, but not his real father.

I don't think I am better than anyone for doing that...I chose to because I sincerely cared for him, probably even more than her. 

The bolded happens so much in situations like yours.

I hate sittuations like this cause I know she is going to continue to date and the child will have men walking in and out of his life.
I just hope she guards her child cause a guy who would do what you did is one and a million.You sort of spoiled her.
A lot of dudes are evil and have no respect for a child that is not theirs and women can lose sight of being a mother first.
I just hope and pray for the best.

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

Originally Posted by LittlePeteWrigley

First I admire the fact that you stepped up to the plate and have raised a child which isn't even yours.

Kudos to you.

Since things with his mom didn't work out, and the fact that you consider him to be your son (and he likely sees you as his dad), you shouldn't just abandon him.

That's the worst thing you could do. The worst thing you could do (repeated, for emphasis). It's a lot like divorce, when the parents can't make it work and the father (often) leaves the picture,
the child is left feeling abandoned and on their own.

His mother needs to understand this. Your new girl as well.

He (the child) may feel that he was complicit in the dissolution of the relationship. Please make sure he understands that it wasn't his fault, even if it
contributed to the breakup.

I'd say come around every once in a while and be more of an "uncle" than a dad. It won't be the same, but I'm sure he won't feel left alone.

Be a presence, be there - to an extent. You already have been, just balance it out with your new girl, his mom and everything else, again, TRY to put him and his feelings first.

Parents (in this case, his mom) NEED to understand that it's the child who really ends up losing.

Appreciate it...that is definitely easier said than done.  Maybe it is still too soon for all of that...I had to take time and focus on myself and readjust to being a single 26 year old young man.  I had tailored my lifestyle extensively to be a family man, father figure and I forgot what it was like to be "normal" young man in his early twenties.  The new girl I have been dating for a couple months is awesome and would most likely be understanding, but at the same time...I am sure she would be weary of any feelings that may lie dormant between myself and my old lady. 

 

[hellaones]

Originally Posted by prymone

drop off toys, smash, dip off

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

Originally Posted by shoefreakbaby

Originally Posted by JesusShuttlesworth34

The biological donor of sperm is a deadbeat dude...only tried to come around once I found out I was in the picture.  I was civil with him and respected that situation to a certain extent, but when he stole his son's tax return by falsely claiming him with his SSN, that was the last straw.  Showing up to my crib with Gold FP 1 on when you can't afford a carseat???  Ultimate bamma.

Yeah he called me dad or "Papi" in spanish, but as he got older he understood that I was his parent, but not his real father.

I don't think I am better than anyone for doing that...I chose to because I sincerely cared for him, probably even more than her. 

The bolded happens so much in situations like yours.

I hate sittuations like this cause I know she is going to continue to date and the child will have men walking in and out of his life.
I just hope she guards her child cause a guy who would do what you did is one and a million.You sort of spoiled her.
A lot of dudes are evil and have no respect for a child that is not theirs and women can lose sight of being a mother first.
I just hope and pray for the best.

Trust me...I agree wholeheartedly with you.  I tried to explain that to her in a humble way without sounding arrogant or pumping myself up.  She got spoiled with myself being the first person she dated after having her son...she never got to experience how crappy it is dating in general, let a lone for a single mother attempting to get her degree finished and career started.  I helped her graduate and get into a good career field....and I think her ego blossomed.  I definitely didn't have to settle with her....*humble* I finished college, got a gov't job at the time, and being 6'4 never had a problem with females.  Her brother and mother were reaching out to me recently...and I would love to help them out, but that is a slippery slope. 

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

Originally Posted by megatron

It's a tough situation, I wouldn't stick around for the child, you have moved on, she clearly hasn't. You cannot let this get involved with your current relationship. Best wishes to you and the child.

So used to reading sarcastic responses from you....Thanks (no sarcasm).  You must have a soul after all. 

 

[jesusshuttlesworth34]

Originally Posted by hellaones

Originally Posted by prymone

drop off toys, smash, dip off

I concur...made that mistake back in July.  Dropped off a Nintendo DS and got a chance to see him.  I still remember him going to sleep and he was like "Are you staying the night here?"  And when I would come around he would be like "I knew you were coming back...you always do and my mommy loves you."  That s*** is not easy to swallow when speaking to a 4 year old. 

 

[6 Rings G.O.A.T.]

You need to cut ties completely.. The boy is 4 years old..

Ten years from now.. the little boy will not even remember who you are..

 

[littlepetewrigley]

Agree on it being easier said than done and perhaps, yes, it may be too soon.

Sounds more than understandable, you're only 26, so hey, get it in while you can so to speak.

Yeah, that would more than likely be your new lady's main concern. Again, hopefully all adults involved can come to some
sort of agreement keeping what's best for the child in mind.

Good luck.

Btw, just read your new posts, I draw the line at the child. While I, again, advocate for being a presence in his life, I would not advise
completely assuming the co-parenting role. It's not fair to you him or you. You need to inform her brother and mother about the
situation (that you guys aren't together) so they can't reasonably expect you to be there for them. You seem like a good dude, so don't get taken
advantage of bro. I'm sure they can deal with "abandonment," lil' man cannot.

 

[fly23s]

Talk to you girl bout it brah