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I'm on the tail end of a year long relationship with someone with a mental disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD.) A lot of BPD issues overlap with those of a narcissist, although a narcissist is obsessed with oneself while the BPD has no sense of self, both have rooted issues with self esteem and both are highly manipulative. I recently had to call it off because I almost lost touch with my identity and my self control in this relationship.
It's been one of the most difficult experiences of my life. Having to walk away from someone you truly care for, love, and genuinely want the best for....but needing to accept you are incompatible and she is toxic for you and you need to let her go.
Have any of ya'll dealt with this, had to end it, and how were ya'll able to move on?
Here's some background on her:
She was beautiful, smart, and funny. Before meeting her, I was doing my thing, bachelor life, healthy rotation of birds. Met her, she love bombed me early on (red flag I didn't realize till now,) dropped the other birds, and the honeymoon period began. A year and countless fights, confusion, and chaos later, I've realized I was dealing with a person who was abusive to herself and the people around her, she victimized herself and was lacked self awareness. I eventually came to the conclusion that I can't deal with this severe mental disorder that consumed her life, her job, her friends, her family, and her relationship with me.
The issues with BPD give rise to the following issues with interpersonal relationships:
1) Distorted sense of self, low self esteem - this was a huge issue. She's been depressed. Although highly intelligent and capable, but unable to succeed at work due to poor self esteem. This led to insecurities around me as I am focused and motivated in my career.
2) Fear of abandonment - She experienced trauma as a child and as a young adult. The people who she depended on the most (dad, ex boyfriend) left her when she was most vulnerable. She constantly projected rejection and abandonment on me that left me confused and frustrated because I had no plan to ever leave her.
3) Highly emotional. Unable to process emotion - another huge issue. One minute things would be good, and unexpectedly something could trigger an emotional response and I would be left confused.
4) Unable to take criticism and lack of empathy- Given her fear of abandonment, insecurity, and high emotions, she couldn't take criticism. This obviously played a role in her career and has been a limiter despite her being highly intelligent. In a relationship, it's all about compromise, and if you have no ability to take suggestive and helpful criticism, you'll always be stuck. She was never able to empathize with others, which held her back at work, her friendships, and with me. Unable to feel guilt or remorse- like a bank robber who gets caught, they dont feel bad for robbing the bank, they feel bad for getting caught.
5) Seeing everything in either black or white, good or bad, no gray, no reasoning and rationalizing the dichotomy of the necessary good and evils in situations. This played into the heightened emotional responses to things, and her inability to empathize and rationalize situations. She either idealized things (everything good, perfect, like puppies and kittens) or things were bad (evil, demons) and no in between.
6) Impulsive Behavior - Highly sexual (amazing in bed,) but due to her inability to process emotion coupled w/ depression, she would act out in impulsive behavior.
7) Depression and Anxiety - All of the above.
I've been through a ton of relationships, all were with well adjusted, self aware women, and the breakups were amicable in that they were justified with reason, logic and rationale. So emotionally for me, they were easy to move on from. For this one, a BPD really ***** with your head, especially when you are a person with a lot of empathy, compassion, and dedication - you end up feeling like you gave up. But I'm reaching a point where I know that this issue is something I can't fix, only person that can is her.
Have any of ya'll had someone with a personality disorder in your life, and how did you manage to let go and move on?
It's been one of the most difficult experiences of my life. Having to walk away from someone you truly care for, love, and genuinely want the best for....but needing to accept you are incompatible and she is toxic for you and you need to let her go.
Have any of ya'll dealt with this, had to end it, and how were ya'll able to move on?
Here's some background on her:
She was beautiful, smart, and funny. Before meeting her, I was doing my thing, bachelor life, healthy rotation of birds. Met her, she love bombed me early on (red flag I didn't realize till now,) dropped the other birds, and the honeymoon period began. A year and countless fights, confusion, and chaos later, I've realized I was dealing with a person who was abusive to herself and the people around her, she victimized herself and was lacked self awareness. I eventually came to the conclusion that I can't deal with this severe mental disorder that consumed her life, her job, her friends, her family, and her relationship with me.
The issues with BPD give rise to the following issues with interpersonal relationships:
1) Distorted sense of self, low self esteem - this was a huge issue. She's been depressed. Although highly intelligent and capable, but unable to succeed at work due to poor self esteem. This led to insecurities around me as I am focused and motivated in my career.
2) Fear of abandonment - She experienced trauma as a child and as a young adult. The people who she depended on the most (dad, ex boyfriend) left her when she was most vulnerable. She constantly projected rejection and abandonment on me that left me confused and frustrated because I had no plan to ever leave her.
3) Highly emotional. Unable to process emotion - another huge issue. One minute things would be good, and unexpectedly something could trigger an emotional response and I would be left confused.
4) Unable to take criticism and lack of empathy- Given her fear of abandonment, insecurity, and high emotions, she couldn't take criticism. This obviously played a role in her career and has been a limiter despite her being highly intelligent. In a relationship, it's all about compromise, and if you have no ability to take suggestive and helpful criticism, you'll always be stuck. She was never able to empathize with others, which held her back at work, her friendships, and with me. Unable to feel guilt or remorse- like a bank robber who gets caught, they dont feel bad for robbing the bank, they feel bad for getting caught.
5) Seeing everything in either black or white, good or bad, no gray, no reasoning and rationalizing the dichotomy of the necessary good and evils in situations. This played into the heightened emotional responses to things, and her inability to empathize and rationalize situations. She either idealized things (everything good, perfect, like puppies and kittens) or things were bad (evil, demons) and no in between.
6) Impulsive Behavior - Highly sexual (amazing in bed,) but due to her inability to process emotion coupled w/ depression, she would act out in impulsive behavior.
7) Depression and Anxiety - All of the above.
I've been through a ton of relationships, all were with well adjusted, self aware women, and the breakups were amicable in that they were justified with reason, logic and rationale. So emotionally for me, they were easy to move on from. For this one, a BPD really ***** with your head, especially when you are a person with a lot of empathy, compassion, and dedication - you end up feeling like you gave up. But I'm reaching a point where I know that this issue is something I can't fix, only person that can is her.
Have any of ya'll had someone with a personality disorder in your life, and how did you manage to let go and move on?
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