Divorce and "true love"

[mr k]

Yeah marriage doesn't prove maturity, since you have as many matured adults getting married as sprung kids, but to say te institution of marriage is a scam, it's a reach....if you truly believe in it, then it's real...can't one person make me think otherwise, SPECIALLY someone who has never been or even contemplated being married.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Originally Posted by Mr K

Yeah marriage doesn't prove maturity, since you have as many matured adults getting married as sprung kids, but to say te institution of marriage is a scam, it's a reach....if you truly believe in it, then it's real...can't one person make me think otherwise, SPECIALLY someone who has never been or even contemplated being married.

Yea that is like anything though. Some folks on here think religion is a joke and a scam with alterior motives. You can't tell them that they are wrong for thinking that because that is what they think. You can believe marriage is real but that has no meaning to someone else that thinks it is a joke. Neither one of you is right or wrong here.

 

[mmg]

Honestly I would love to sit down and have lunch with DC and Ksteezy just to see the conversations at hand

I think the issue with marriage is that people get too caught up in the American dream aspect of it, like your supposed to do it, or take steps it. When society finally understands to let things flow at their pace I think they would be alot happier people in the world.

 

[antbanks81]

Let me see here....

my folks been married 28 yrs ( my mom had a failed marriage before)(my parents also have known each other since elementary school)
of my 8 uncles and aunts, 3 were married and now divorced for over decade, 2 never married and 3 (all uncles) are married

One of my uncles is on his third marriage at 21 years and counting
the other has been married for close to 40 years
the last has been married for 12 years

I see both sides of it, the reality and the myth.
I want to marry my fiancee and have the whole happy home, but I enjoy the trappings of single life too. I really only want to be married once. If this doesn't work out, I will just be out there. So right now I'm torn if we should even try because I know my limits to what I will and won't tolerate. Hell she could get tired of me. TOUGH DECISION

 

[ryair max 1]

Originally Posted by Jking0821

This is a really deep question/topic honestly.  I struggle with this all the time and I am sure DC will chime in here at some point.

I struggle personally trying to figure out how my life will turn out.  I want children but i also believe that people aren't wired to be "soul-mates" or monogamous.  I think it may happen....once in about 100 marriages are probably perfect fits.  But i think the bulk of them are just both parties compromising on each other to start a family and have kids.

But this compromise leads to problems down the road, you meet some one later in life that you realize you get along with better then your spouse or want more then your spouse or that you "fit" with better then your spouse.  Then what do you do?  What if this happens the day after your wedding? 2 years from then? 30 years from then? That question and the fact that growing up my parents were divorced and i have no clue what a healthy marriage looks like leads me to have commitment issues and question how i will lead my adult life.  

Its really hard to answer does true love exist? Is marriage an archaic system that we are holding onto for no reason?  Is our belief of one-to-one, monogamous relationships flawed at the core of every human (males in-particular)?  

I can relate to most of this and have a lot of the same thoughts (except I think monogamy can still work but maybe I'm naive

).

Soul mates do not exist. My parents' divorce was actually a good thing because it separated when needed to be away from each other (my mother and father). Unfortunately, my dad didn't learn and remarried my mother and she is still the same person and he admits he made a mistake but he said he still loves her. He is with her for the label of a marriage and she is with him for financial support (he funds a lot of the stupid !%!# she attempts to do and he pays most of her bills). I've told him this but and he even said it himself, but their relationship is based 100% on convenience.

 

[mr k]

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

Originally Posted by Mr K

Yeah marriage doesn't prove maturity, since you have as many matured adults getting married as sprung kids, but to say te institution of marriage is a scam, it's a reach....if you truly believe in it, then it's real...can't one person make me think otherwise, SPECIALLY someone who has never been or even contemplated being married.

Yea that is like anything though. Some folks on here think religion is a joke and a scam with alterior motives. You can't tell them that they are wrong for thinking that because that is what they think. You can believe marriage is real but that has no meaning to someone else that thinks it is a joke. Neither one of you is right or wrong here.

Yet these types of threads go on for pages and pages of pointless arguing because at the end of the day is all subjective.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

KSteezy, what is your take on Soul Mates?
What is it and do they exist in your mind?
Is there only ONE per person?

 

[703 hwy]

Originally Posted by Mr K

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

Originally Posted by Mr K

Yeah marriage doesn't prove maturity, since you have as many matured adults getting married as sprung kids, but to say te institution of marriage is a scam, it's a reach....if you truly believe in it, then it's real...can't one person make me think otherwise, SPECIALLY someone who has never been or even contemplated being married.

Yea that is like anything though. Some folks on here think religion is a joke and a scam with alterior motives. You can't tell them that they are wrong for thinking that because that is what they think. You can believe marriage is real but that has no meaning to someone else that thinks it is a joke. Neither one of you is right or wrong here.

Yet these types of threads go on for pages and pages of pointless arguing because at the end of the day is all subjective.

QFT

 

[mr k]

I'd be lying to myself if I said I believe in the idea of soul mates, I believe in love, friendship, loyalty and trust...admitting that someone is your soulmate means you can see into the future to see that you actually made it with said person...like I've said a million times, Marriage is NOT a guarantee.

 

[lou baton]

Every situation is different. I was married, in the process of a divorce right now actually. We would have been together 8 years this month. I agree completely that communication is key but the reality is people change as they get older. Sometimes it's a good thing and it can bring you closer together and other times it can pull you apart. And sadly, just the same as you can't help who you love, people sometimes fall out of love also. Both people have to want the marriage to work as much as their counterpart. And divorce is not easy even if its amicable.

 

[p mac one]

Damn. 13 years, a house and kids and then she decides to step out.

Cold world.

 

[TYE_The Time Traveler]

I think in this day and age and the mental state of people they get married for some kind of convinience instead of actually having feelings for their partner. For some people its like an escape route from their possible crappy lives. I know people that have gotten married because the now wife was knocked up before they were married and the man felt the fire under his feet whether its from the parents or the girls family. Both people not being in the best financial situations and they see them getting together will fix things for them both. Hell even woman tricking men or the other way around for papers. You have more people getting married that have been together for possibly a year or less and they dont even know one another properly ##!+ happens and things go south. And all these situations mess up the numbers. Pretty much people arent getting married or didnt get married because they actually loved their partner. Just see it as a way to patch something up quickly.

 

[iblink]

Haven't really asked her why she did it. She's been with dude since I was born (I'll be 24 this year). So for the better part of a quarter century, they've been together. My best guess is that she got tired of the routine life and wanted some excitement, which i assume isn't hard to find as an attractive female in metro Atlanta. But whatever reason she had for what she did, it's damn near shattered my view of marriage. I always thought they had it.

But I suppose you all are right. Marriage doesn't equal maturity and only people that are part of the relationship can truly know what it's actually like. But they put up one hell of a facade, I'll tell you that.

 

[mr k]

What's funny is that a lot of times this "having fun" phase ends up with the wrong woman knocked up and a child growing up in a broken home, all in the sake of "fun" now can someone care to explain to me the maturity in that??...why is it that in a lot of dudes minds is so ok and normal to have a kid with :insert random chick: and either walkin out or raising a child with seperate visiting rights, yet the thought of holdin down a healthy marriage and THEN building a family with a better* chance at a brighter future such a TABOO...like do dudes feel there are more consequences to a marriage than there are to a child?

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Originally Posted by Mr K

What's funny is that a lot of times this "having fun" phase ends up with the wrong woman knocked up and a child growing up in a broken home, all in the sake of "fun" now can someone care to explain to me the maturity in that??...why is it that in a lot of dudes minds is so ok and normal to have a kid with :insert random chick: and either walkin out or raising a child with seperate visiting rights, yet the thought of holdin down a healthy marriage and THEN building a family with a better* chance at a brighter future such a TABOO...like do dudes feel there are more consequences to a marriage than there are to a child?

Of course the controlled situation you presented isn't a show of maturity KSteezy.
But if we are simply talking about a man not wanting to be tied down to one woman so he can come and go as he pleases, then I don't feel that is immaturity.

But you just drew out a long drawn out scenario where of course nobody wins, so what do you expect anyone to have to say to that? 

I think dudes just don't feel there are many benefits to getting married for them to have to give up what they were doing before hand. That is not to say they wouldn't enjoy being married if they ever gave it a chance but the thought of forever (potentially) with one person scares a lot of folks and isn't something that they really want to do.

 

[shoefreakbaby]

Originally Posted by Mr K

Yeah marriage doesn't prove maturity, since you have as many matured adults getting married as sprung kids, but to say te institution of marriage is a scam, it's a reach....if you truly believe in it, then it's real...can't one person make me think otherwise, ESPECIALLY someone who has never been or even contemplated being married.

 

[mr k]

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

Originally Posted by Mr K

What's funny is that a lot of times this "having fun" phase ends up with the wrong woman knocked up and a child growing up in a broken home, all in the sake of "fun" now can someone care to explain to me the maturity in that??...why is it that in a lot of dudes minds is so ok and normal to have a kid with :insert random chick: and either walkin out or raising a child with seperate visiting rights, yet the thought of holdin down a healthy marriage and THEN building a family with a better* chance at a brighter future such a TABOO...like do dudes feel there are more consequences to a marriage than there are to a child?

Of course the controlled situation you presented isn't a show of maturity KSteezy.
But if we are simply talking about a man not wanting to be tied down to one woman so he can come and go as he pleases, then I don't feel that is immaturity.

But you just drew out a long drawn out scenario where of course nobody wins, so what do you expect anyone to have to say to that? 

I think dudes just don't feel there are many benefits to getting married for them to have to give up what they were doing before hand. That is not to say they wouldn't enjoy being married if they ever gave it a chance but the thought of forever (potentially) with one person scares a lot of folks and isn't something that they really want to do.

more often than not thats where that lifestyle leads, its happening everywhere around us, its become the norm actually and from what i see far more acceptable than the thought of being "tied down" to a marriage....it doesn't scare dudes to have sex with multiple partners and potentially slipping up and fathering a child, but it scares them to build something special with one woman and potentially lead a happy life with her.....i don't get it.
and to side with you, i see a lot of maturity in a dude who knows himself well enough to not lead women on and keeps it real and stays strapped to prevent any accidents....nothing immature about that, i can respect that dude as much as the dude that did right by his woman and married her....but these type of men are a rarity now, keep it real DC, majority of dudes out there "having fun" are probably not even practicing safe sex and thinking the pull out method is the best way to prevent a child....$*+@ is crazy, i have no hesitation when i called those dudes immature, because thats what they are.

 

[kickstart]

Love is dictated by both parties involved. Everyone experiences it differently. I think once that concept is realized everyone can move forward.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

@KSteezy, I was simply referring to the desire of being married being thought of being a mature thing. Not actually the lifestyle. Of course someone isn't responsible by having unprotected sex with any and everyone. I don't even think I said otherwise anywhere else.

So to clear things up for you again,
Wanting to get/ be married =/= Maturity.
Not Wanting to get/be married =/= Immaturity.

That is all I have said.

 

[da r entertainment]

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

Originally Posted by retrospect90

Well in my family its the opposite. I only have 2 aunts that got divorced. My parents are still together and so are a lot of other family members going on for 20+ years. 
I think honestly though that since "half" of marriages end in divorce people don't realize the seriousness of it. They get married and divorced just because they fall in love with someone else, or because they don't like their mate anymore. When you get married to someone, you take a vow. Unless its a really bad situation, you shouldn't get divorced. At least, see if you can make it work out. If you know you cant see yourself with one person, why get married in the first place?

People don't like not having a safety net. Having that 1 person is a safety net. As a dude, you are never guaranteed to suck another titty but if you have that one you will always have that 1 titty to suck.



And for women, you all won't agree with this, some of them don't want to LOOK lonely so they are willing to accept a garbage dude for the sake of saving face. Being 30+ and not being married isn't what they grow up dreaming of. So what do they do? Lower standards and date losers that they know they have no business dealing with. Why? For the sake of feeling like they are completing their life.

Like I said before, if people would stop following television's blueprint for what life it folks would be better off.

College

Marriage

Kids

Living in a House

Driving a Nice car.

All of those things.

That is the truth.  My wife's good friend is presently in that same situation.  Settled for a cat that most other women wouldn't even give the time of day to just to save face and say she has someone.

 

[feedtheego1982]

I'm getting married in less than a month.  I love my lady dearly, but I do understand the world in which we live.  We did everything our way.  Not bachelor or bachelorette party..  No registering for gifts, no big wedding..  We are taking our folks to Mexico for a week and enjoying each other's company in a very small and private ceremony.  
I believe a lot of people get married for the "show" of it and have no true concepts on what love is.  I agree with KSteezy that marriage really is just the icing on the cake..  It won't define my relationship.  We will live and behave the same way we have always.  I sometime think I'm crazy because we aren't making a huge deal out of it like so many others have..  And if it doesn't work, I'll try and see where it went wrong, but in no way is it a testament that all women are garbage and trust no one.  Everyone and every situation is different.

When you start to live for yourself and not apply your situation to everyone else's, that's when true happiness begins. 

 

[stringer bell 32]

Legally tying yourself down to ONE person for the rest of each others lives doesn't seem like it has the best odds for success
I don't get the stigma behind divorce to quote Louis CK

"Zero percent of good marriages end in divorce"

 

[blackmagnus514]

Pics?

 

[sundoobie]

People get married for all the wrong reasons though.  I have a few friends whom got married and had babies this year just because it's the lucky "Chinese Dragon year"  ????

???  Plus some of the !$!!*+ they married to are sheltered chicken heads.  I mean yeah they are great women to have as your baby's mama but I don't see how they can stay with em for long considering these are some boring women.  Oh I know.. they would cheat on their wives with no regret.

  

 

[Kimchi Papi]

My godfather's father (pop) once told me the right thing to do is always the hardest. That's why fu$%ing up is so easy. Marriage is hard work & you have to decide if your committed to make it work for a lifetime. Most people have a severe lack of work ethic and even more severe lack of morality.

Having said that, I knew I was going to marry my wife the first time we went out 16 years ago, We've been married now for 12 years. There were 8 couples (including us) that got married around the time we did, only 2 of the couples are still married (my wife & I included).

It's taken a lot of hard work & we've come to the brink a couple of times but we still together & going strong. The biggest thing for us has been learning to communicate in a way that doesn't involve arguing while also making sure we're both accurately understanding each other which is harder than one might think.

The biggest thing is checking your ego & having the humility to try to do the right thing. I love my wife & can't imagine my life without her, our 8 year old son, & our dog. I've never cheated on her (not even the Bill Clinton definition).

I've read the divorce rate here in the US is somewhere between 40-50% which I believe. If you you want to get married, make sure you're willing to put in the work. Marriage along with raising a child to be a good person is the hardest thing you will ever do.

It is rewarding though, because I love being with my family...