Anyone Got Any Jokes?

[2sappy]

Originally Posted by North Dade Represent

^ That was terrible. I knew it was going to be bad by how long it was, but I was stupid enough to read it all.

Its an anti-joke for a reason.

heres a better one:
A baby seal walks into a club...

 

[vietstar]

Originally Posted by amel223

Originally Posted by letsgetit22



Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said, “I will give you $200 if you let me have sex with you.

 

[unkletomcruze]

...

 

[unkletomcruze]

Are "Jew" jokes allowed?

'Cause you know, I aint try'na get banned.

...

 

[bjm5295]

A guy tries to convince his girlfriend that they should have sex, but to no avail. One night he comes home from work all flustered and says 'alright, thats it. were doing it tonight, no arguing.' The girlfriend says 'your very perverse.' The man replies, 'yeah, well thats an awfully big word for a six year old isnt it?'

 

[sneakerhead24]

Originally Posted by UnkleTomCruze

Are "Jew" jokes allowed?

'Cause you know, I aint try'na get banned.

...

same goes with black/asian ones. 
i got a million of em

 

[fog raw]

Originally Posted by sneakerhead24

Originally Posted by UnkleTomCruze

Are "Jew" jokes allowed?

'Cause you know, I aint try'na get banned.

...

same goes with black/asian ones. 
i got a million of em

I remember someone got sniped for a ****** joke, so I probably wouldn't go there

 

[chineyroyal]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa.

 

[lobotomybeats]

A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.

The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.

At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.

"Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?" she cried.

The doctor replied: "I'm just joking with you! It was stillborn."

 

[lobotomybeats]

A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what's wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.

"What a coincidence!" exclamimed the woman. "My boyfriend just left me for the same reason."

The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "I thought you were kinky."

"I am," he replied. "I screwed your cat and just crapped in your purse."

 

[dmvbatman]

Originally Posted by RASNEPONRAMA

A man tells his wife "when i die i want you to cremate me and put me in salsa" the wife asks "why?" the man says "so i can tear that %+% up one more time"

 

[dmvbatman]

A old black man in a bear's costume walks into a bar full of hunter's and say's loudly and confidently "Bartender give me your best shot!, something that put's a sting in my side and a kick on my heart"

so the bartender looks at him with worry on his face....and pour's the elder black man his best shot.......the elder black man reply's again "I said bartender, i told you to give me your best shot, something louder than a glass breaking and hotter than my mama's pot"

so the bartender say's "sir that is my best shot and I think you should tone your voice down" the elder black man replies "why should I turn my voice down bartender!"

the bartender replies "because you're in a bear costume and this bar is full of hunter's"

the older black man replies, "this isn't no damn bear's costume, this is how I look got dammit"

 

[jaijai84]

Originally Posted by RASNEPONRAMA

A man tells his wife "when i die i want you to cremate me and put me in salsa" the wife asks "why?" the man says "so i can tear that %+% up one more time"

I will be using this one....

  

 

[dip]

Originally Posted by Spectacular23

heres a stupid one, but it caught me off guard and started to laugh

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

EXPLAIN THIS NOW 

 

[jordanfean23]

Originally Posted by Dip

Originally Posted by Spectacular23

heres a stupid one, but it caught me off guard and started to laugh

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

EXPLAIN THIS NOW 

Not sure if serious...

 

[dip]

Originally Posted by JordanFean23

Originally Posted by Dip

Originally Posted by Spectacular23

heres a stupid one, but it caught me off guard and started to laugh

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

EXPLAIN THIS NOW 

Not sure if serious...

very serious

 

[dip]

I'm an idiot. I get it.

 

[brettthejett]

TOTY

 

[JD617]

Wife's watching TV and sees on the news that there's a maniac driving the wrong way on the interstate. She calls her husband, who commutes on that road to work:

"Honey, watch out, there's some crazy person driving the wrong way on the interstate."

He says, "Are you kidding me? There's hundreds of them out here!"

 

[doctorjay507]

guy walks into a bar and orders a drink for him and his dog. the detroit lions are playing on tv. the lions score and the dog does a backflip. bartender says "holy *$%#, what does he do when they win?" the guy responds "idk ive only had him for 3 years"

 

[halftime718]

Originally Posted by JD617

Wife's watching TV and sees on the news that there's a maniac driving the wrong way on the interstate. She calls her husband, who commutes on that road to work:

"Honey, watch out, there's some crazy person driving the wrong way on the interstate."

He says, "Are you kidding me? There's hundreds of them out here!"

 

[young718chris]

Originally Posted by JaiJai84

Originally Posted by RASNEPONRAMA

A man tells his wife "when i die i want you to cremate me and put me in salsa" the wife asks "why?" the man says "so i can tear that %+% up one more time"

I will be using this one....

  

 

[fog raw]

What's wrong with having intercourse with twenty six year-old girls?

Spoiler

Spoiler

Spoiler [+]

Spoiler

There are twenty of them.

 

[shoryuken]

What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler

Spoiler

Spoiler [+]

Spoiler

A stick.... luuuulz

 

[adrian1221]

Originally Posted by VietStar

Originally Posted by amel223

Originally Posted by letsgetit22



Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said, “I will give you $200 if you let me have sex with you.