You are walking down the street. Someone is coming at you. Will they hurt you? Kill you? Throw you into a van and molest you? They might! But are you worried enough about it to flee?
There's no better barometer of your internal racism than just which folks you will cross a street to avoid. Mavs owner Mark Cuban spoke openly about this scenario this week, and about how he struggles with his own prejudice. But who's to say it's WRONG to cross the street from a suspicious looking fella? Perhaps you're actually using good judgment! I, for one, don't really give a **** if you're wearing a hoodie when I walk past you. (I wear hoodies and no one has ever accused me of being intimidating.) But if you've got the hood down real tight? And you have your fists balled up in your pockets? And the back of your hoodie says I LIKE TO KILL PEOPLE? I cross. I'm fine with that decision.
Crossing a street takes effort. I'm not crossing the street just for ANY black guy. There needs to be a menacing accessory involved that makes me scared for my precious white body. So, with that in mind, here now is a list of people you can cross the street to avoid without worrying about anyone judging you:
Shouting homeless person
Homeless person with noticeable poop aroma
Biker gang
Group of teenagers shouting out WOOT WOOT! and laughing for no reason
Scientologists
'80s-style soccer hooligans
Crust punks with dogs
Kids selling candy "for the basketball team"
Bachelorette party group
Skateboarders (I feel like they will skateboard directly into me at any time)
Group of high school kids in varsity jackets
Any teenager, really—they all ******* suck
Any old man in open-toed shoes with gross feet
Methheads
Crackheads
Baseheads
At Halloween, anyone who went ALL OUT to have a really scary, ornate costume
Anyone with a face tattoo
M********
SantaCon attendees
Hunchbacked old man shambling out of bar
Raiders fans
Greenpeace volunteers handing out flyers—no, I do not have a minute to save the world
Jews For Jesus
Police officers (if you are black)
Anyone wearing a Guy ****es mask
Protesters
Anyone riding a Rascal scooter that has bumper stickers on it
Group of men you saw just making audible catcalls to a woman passing by like it's 1952
Yankees fans
Anyone coming out of a major sporting event, really
Ray Rice