Marriage issues mature advice please

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May 9, 2010
Was sup NT first off thanks for taking the time to read this,I am really going through a lot and have no one to talk to. Basically me and mywife of two years are having problems and might be headed to divorce courtbecause we can’t communicate and we think it might be best we go our separateways. Things started to go down hill last yr when she lost her job in January andI stated doing overtime the whole yr to make ends meet pay for some trips wehad already started paying for and brought my mom to stay for summer cause I didn’tsee her for four years. All this time I am working hard paying all the bills andother stuff you would think she would make it easy for me to come home after working10 to 10 each day, instead she would complain about us not spending time, whichI understood and apologized multiple times and asked her to hold me down whileim doing this for us cause as much she was missing me I was to missing heralso, so I would try to take her out on dates from time to time and do littlethings to show her I care so you would think she would take it easy on me atleast for showing effort but no all she does is nag and continue to complain.So I basically got sick of it because I don’t feel she is appreciative at all, Istill have to clean the house most times and cant even have a sandwich madeafter a hard days work. So we now have been arguing for months, she cant standme and I cant stand her, I would like to make things work and have asked herfor us to start over and try to work as a team but she insists that I should bethe one the make the first move to try to make things right but I refuse to lether sit and evaluate me on what im doing while she has nothing to give. Should Ibe the bigger man and try to make things work or keep it moving with my life,mature suggestions only. Sorry for the long read and please excuse my grammer
 
I know money is tight right now fam, but it sounds like you guys need some counseling.

if ya'll love each other, some mediation is always worth it, in any case.
 
Sorry to hear that bro. If you really want to make things work you should be the bigger person and start off with seeking help from a marriage and family therapist. It is a start and it wont hurt to try. Both of you need to be on the same page and willing to give it a shot. It takes 2 to make it work
 
im in the same situation as u bro and we are getting married in june. only diff is my lady is doing the things you want ur wife to do. She has no excuse for what she is doing to you and she is selfish. either she has to change or you can fo nothing for her straight up.
 
let me get this straight....

u work 12 a day..... you clean...make ur own food...and ur the only one with a job? And she still complains?

#%+ does she do all day?

USHER "im ready to sign dem papers"
 
IF you want to make it work, you really need to seek out counseling. At this point there seems to be such a disconnect that it will be extremely difficult bordering on impossible for you and your wife to have a productive and active discussion on the matter. You may need a 3rd party to help mediate.

Every relationship is different, but if yours is anything like mine, you and your wife may not be fully communicating out of fear, resentment, or some other reason. I know that when me and my wife fight, I will hold back sometimes because I just want to end the argument and I know that if I open my mouth, I am opening up a new can of worms and it will extend the fight for another 5 friggin hours. Obviously its not healthy to not communicate but I do this as a defense mechanism (and because I want to get back to doing whatever it was that I was doing). I think a marriage counselor can really help in your situation.
 
Based on what you're saying, it sounds like your wife is lazy. Still there is always two sides to a story.
 
Originally Posted by SneakerHeathen

I know money is tight right now fam, but it sounds like you guys need some counseling.

if ya'll love each other, some mediation is always worth it, in any case.

This.

Unemployment can always put a strand on marriages. I've been there before.  The biggest thing that you guys are lacking is communication and understanding/compromising.  Being that she's not working, she can at least contribute to the household duties.  It appears that you are amending things to appease your wife (nothing wrong with that) but it has to be a two way street.  Here's the other side, being that she's unemployed, she may feel depressed and insecure as a wife.  Maybe that's why she's not wanting to do anything around the house. Those are things you guys need to talk about.

If you truly want to save your marriage: seek counseling, have an adult conversation with her about the issue, and pray.
 
so you're keeping everything together financially by working more, yet she's complaining? What does she do all day?
 
Yeah, if you can afford it you should go to counseling. Sometimes you really do have to be the bigger man though, OP, because you ARE the man in this relationship. You really have to decide if you love her enough to take proactive steps toward fixing the relationship. If you don't...well, maybe you should file those papers and move on. Try to remember all of the good though, because in times like this it's so easy to remember all of the bad.
 
Originally Posted by NaturalyLight

so you're keeping everything together financially by working more, yet she's complaining? What does she do all day?

exactly, why cant she understand the reason you cant spend as much time with her is because YOU are the one holding it down, while shes stays at home and does nothing!

she needs to go out and find a damn job so that you can BOTH have it easier...but it seems like thats not getting to her head
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She seems EXTREMELY irrational. Maybe a separation (before divorce) and counseling might be what you all need. This way BOTH of you can step back and re-evaluate things w/o being up in each other's faces all the time. Having time apart could help things or solidify that it's best that you put an end to the marriage.
 
If you don't mind me asking....

How old is your Mrs.?

She sounds incredibly immature and unappreciative.

For starters... I would have nixed the trips you had planned (if possible).

2. Have expectations and standards in your relationship and stick to them. There is NO REASON you shouldn't have a clean house and a hot meal when you get home from work.

3. It also sounds like she is unhappy with herself and projecting her anger on you. (Jobless and apparantly having no real purpose at the moment)

There are two sides to every story and I'm sure you may not see the whole picture behind her anger.

You need to communicate with a mediator. Any outsider with a lick of sense will "eat her lunch" for telling you "that I should be the one the make the first move to try to make things right ". Obviously you love her and want it to work. I mean this is your wife and all. You both need counseling and if you can't afford it hopefully you go to church and can turn to your pastor as a couple.
 
First off, it does sound like your wife is unappreciative of you.  Second, ask yourself deep down do you want to your marriage to survive?? 

Edit--

All this time I am working hard paying all the bills and other stuff you would think she would make it easy for me to come home after working 10 to 10 each day, instead she would complain about us not spending time, which I understood and apologized multiple times

That's part of YOUR problem right there champ.  Stop apologizing for holding your wife/family down while times are rough.  Your doing what you got to do as you said to make ends meet.  Now I'm not saying that's your wife's fault for not helping out financially to the situation as she is out of work, but when a man begins to apologize to his woman too much it makes you look weak and soft in a woman's eye and she will begin to push your around as she clearly did.  You shouldn't be submissive to your wife, your wife should be submissive to you. 
 
I would say that you guys either need to go see a marriage counselor or, if you are religous, go talk to your pastor..I'm not going to say that she is totally wrong and you are totally right because, being a married man myself, I know that no matter what there is always two sides/points of view to every situation..But giving you the benefit of the doubt because you're on NT and she's not, I'd say that she most definately needs to step up to the plate and contribute more to the marriage..I can tell you from experience that no marriage can survive if it's not on equal terms..If you're busting your butt everyday to provide for the household then she needs to be at home taking care of business..Thats the only way it can work..It can't be 70-30 or 80-20..It has to be as close to 50-50 as you both can get it..If she's not willing to do her part then it won't last..
 
Have you guys thought about a counselor?  It sounds like there is a disconnect and sometimes you need someone else to express the things you are feeling.  She needs to hear it from someone else (not you) for it to sink in potentially.  From what you stated, it doesn't seem like you are being unreasonable and if anything she should be supportive and appreciative of you holding the team down.  
 
Counseling works for some people but you both have to want to make it work. From my personal experience one person can't save a marriage. It's never worth it to stay in a relationship where you sacrifice you own happiness. If, in your heart, you are still IN love with her then it may be worth it to try and make it work but if you've fallen out of love and are miserable don't stay. Believe it or not there really are great women out there that you could truly be happy with and who will feel the same about you. Best advise I ever got when I was married, a friend told me one day I would wake up and just know I had had enough. It took me a long time to get that point after trying in vain to save the marriage but it happened. One day I just said today is the day, I came home from work, packed some things, moved out and never went back. One way or another, in your heart, you'll figure out what you want if you haven't already. Good luck!
 
Sounds like here love language is quality time and yours is words of affirmation. Cop the book 5 Love Languages and it'll all make sense. May even save your marriage.

srs
 
Sounds like here love language is quality time and yours is words of affirmation. Cop the book 5 Love Languages and it'll all make sense. May even save your marriage.

srs
 
Originally Posted by 651akathePaul

Sounds like here love language is quality time and yours is words of affirmation. Cop the book 5 Love Languages and it'll all make sense. May even save your marriage.

srs


More info on this!...seems like my wife and I have a complete different understanding of what demonstrating love is, needless to say OP I lightweight know that feel...sucks when the person you love doesn't appreciate you the way you should...but anything can be solved with communication...you both need to open up your hearts and minds, have a conversation with no room for pride or BS.
 
I say bro be the bigger man that way you have no regrets in the future and you can honestly say that you tried everything. You don't want to have any what ifs in the back of your head. thats is only if you truly love her, I say be the bigger man, whats pride when your hurting later becasue you did love her and didn't try all you honestly could. Don't put that on your consciencious.
 
Originally Posted by ksteezy

Originally Posted by 651akathePaul

Sounds like here love language is quality time and yours is words of affirmation. Cop the book 5 Love Languages and it'll all make sense. May even save your marriage.

srs


More info on this!...seems like my wife and I have a complete different understanding of what demonstrating love is, needless to say OP I lightweight know that feel...sucks when the person you love doesn't appreciate you the way you should...but anything can be solved with communication...you both need to open up your hearts and minds, have a conversation with no room for pride or BS.


Basically, people have 5 main ways of expressing love and wanting love expressed towards them. Once you peg which one you are, you're better able to direct your spouse to what your needs are. It also does the same for them. Once you understand how they show their love and how they want love shown towards them, it makes life so much easier.

My now ex always urged me to read it, but I told her "I didn't need that %%%@." Well when we broke up I opened my mind and found the book in my room and read it. Was on point and made the world of sense. I strongly recommend those in a serious relationship read this book together.
 
If this is 100% of the story (which I'm pretty sure it isn't), you don't have to be married to see shorty either has ulterior motives ($, free ride, don't care) or her true colors aint what you fell for. Prenup?
 
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