Divorce and "true love"

[iblink]

Just had my world rocked this weekend when my aunt came out and said she and her husband of thirteen years would be getting a divorce. Now this concept of failed marriages is something I've seen plenty of times (my mother's divorce, my uncle's failed marriage, my grandmother's failed marriage, etc.) but my aunt's came as a shocker because her and my uncle seemed like they had it completely together. Nice house, both employed, two kids, pretty much living the dream. Then yesterday she says they're getting divorced because she cheated. I'm here like what in all of the ever loving f's, b?


So that's lead me to questioning the odds of a marriage actually going the distance. I know most of you dudes out there are still young minded and are enjoying getting the yambs from as many strumpets as you can, but the day will come where you actually want to be with just one person. But our generation's obscured/redefined the concept of love. Just has me to the point where I'm just seeing marriage as a failed institution and "true love" as an overly exaggerated myth, popularized by pop culture. So often do we forget that The Notebook was just a movie, not a recollection of actual events (I said that to a female and she got pissed

).


I know there are NT'ers out there that are on both ends of the spectrum. Chime in and let us know how you keep your marriage afloat or what caused it to fail.

Freida Pinto, though

 

[q46tothee]

Communication/trust. That's the key to any healthy relationship. ESPECIALLY communication.

OP, you just have to realize that marriage isn't for everyone. For those out there who feel like they'll always have a wandering eye or a hard time controlling impulses...save yourself the (potential) headache down the road and don't get married. It's that simple.

 

[retrospect90]

Well in my family its the opposite. I only have 2 aunts that got divorced. My parents are still together and so are a lot of other family members going on for 20+ years. 
I think honestly though that since "half" of marriages end in divorce people don't realize the seriousness of it. They get married and divorced just because they fall in love with someone else, or because they don't like their mate anymore. When you get married to someone, you take a vow. Unless its a really bad situation, you shouldn't get divorced. At least, see if you can make it work out. If you know you cant see yourself with one person, why get married in the first place?

 

[funkman]

Been divorced befor. I still believe in love and marriage but the world we live in is so far removed from it now. if all chicks were sneakerheads-marriages would last..lol
Dude that's messed up bout ya aunt. Sad thing is that its not uncommon anymore-happens all the time. What makes a lady do that after 13years? Good jobs? Kids? House? man that's a lot to give uP for a fling. But I don't know the details. I hope the best for ya fam.
I have an addiction to shoes so the next chick I settle down with(if I do) would have to share the same passion-it's not everything but having shared intrests does help.

 

[deuce king]

That's unfortunate to hear about your Aunt.  Hopefully they can work it out.  Going to court and getting a divorce is no joke.  Sometimes folks should try to work things out, especially depending on the problems that they have.  Also, alot of women need to learn to stop giving up and throwing in the towel when it comes to marriage. 

 

[funkman]

^very go point retrospect.

 

[jking0821]

This is a really deep question/topic honestly.  I struggle with this all the time and I am sure DC will chime in here at some point.

I struggle personally trying to figure out how my life will turn out.  I want children but i also believe that people aren't wired to be "soul-mates" or monogamous.  I think it may happen....once in about 100 marriages are probably perfect fits.  But i think the bulk of them are just both parties compromising on each other to start a family and have kids.

But this compromise leads to problems down the road, you meet some one later in life that you realize you get along with better then your spouse or want more then your spouse or that you "fit" with better then your spouse.  Then what do you do?  What if this happens the day after your wedding? 2 years from then? 30 years from then? That question and the fact that growing up my parents were divorced and i have no clue what a healthy marriage looks like leads me to have commitment issues and question how i will lead my adult life.  

Its really hard to answer does true love exist? Is marriage an archaic system that we are holding onto for no reason?  Is our belief of one-to-one, monogamous relationships flawed at the core of every human (males in-particular)?  

 

[beh235]

Originally Posted by retrospect90

 If you know you cant see yourself with one person, why get married in the first place?

This is true. Sometimes I guess it doesn't start out that way though. Which leads me to this...

Originally Posted by Q46totheE

Communication/trust. That's the key to any healthy relationship. ESPECIALLY communication.

OP, you just have to realize that marriage isn't for everyone. For those out there who feel like they'll always have a wandering eye or a hard time controlling impulses...save yourself the (potential) headache down the road and don't get married. It's that simple.

This is the key to everything x infinity. I think if you discuss things, no matter how much you don't want to, it will work out in the long run. Whether it strengthens your marriage or you find out that the person isn't for you. Communication I think can save you time and headache if you are honest with yourself and your partner, no matter how you feel or how you think it would make your partner feel.

OP, I feel sorry for your aunt getting a divorce. I too think that marriage is marketed as this blissful rosy fantasy. Think about it, the idea of marriage hasn't chagned in forever, yet, we as a society has changed dramatically. That being said, I still think marriage can still exist and be successful. I've always thought this about relationships, people get together for various reasons that we will never know, it's their choice. But there is one thing I've always said and experieced myself. In the beginning you KNOW what the red flags or potential red flags are in a person. We as people, wanting to be loved at all costs, CHOOSE to ignore these signs thinking that we can improve the other person to make them better into what WE want them to be. I think that is the most common mistake. That's where the communication comes in. You have to work that out between the two of you. Also, what isn't emphasized is, marriage is constant work. Think about how you change on the daily. Now think about doing that with another person with finances, children, and any other thing done as a couple. I think people need to understand that marriage isn't rosy all the time and people need to understand it's a constant evolution between two people. Of course, like Jking stated, it's much deeper than that. I just scratched the surface. Just my 2 cents...

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Well first you can stop equating wanting to marry/settle down as maturing. How about we start there.

Second point, you should never be suprised at anyone breaking up no matter how lovey dovey they appear to be. Of course they want to appear to be that. Means nothing.

But to answer your question, I just think people have shifted their thought process in terms of what it means to love and be married. People like their freedom and don't subscribe to the KSteezy school of thought that tells humans you aren't a real adult unless you get married, live long life, and have kids and live peacefully. Folks like having fun and don't feel the need to give up their right to have fun.

I mean it can work but if it doesn't it doesn't mean you don't TRULY love someone. It just means it didn't work and you want something else.

 

[mr k]

There are no guarantees in marriage, just go day by day, enjoy each others company, loving someone shouldn't be a task, it should be effortless and just because a million marriages failed, doesn't mean one day yours will.

 

[crazy dav0]

.... damn ... why did she cheat though

divorce rate is over 50% ... then there are people that can't afford it or want to but want to ... etc ... marriage seems like a joke nowadays ...

i believe that it's possible but the #'s say otherwise

 

[mr k]

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

Well first you can stop equating wanting to marry/settle down as maturing. How about we start there.

Second point, you should never be suprised at anyone breaking up no matter how lovey dovey they appear to be. Of course they want to appear to be that. Means nothing.

But to answer your question, I just think people have shifted their thought process in terms of what it means to love and be married. People like their freedom and don't subscribe to the KSteezy school of thought that tells humans you aren't a real adult unless you get married, live long life, and have kids and live peacefully. Folks like having fun and don't feel the need to give up their right to have fun.

I mean it can work but if it doesn't it doesn't mean you don't TRULY love someone. It just means it didn't work and you want something else.

so what you are saying is that you can't have fun once you are married?....ok buddy.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Originally Posted by retrospect90

Well in my family its the opposite. I only have 2 aunts that got divorced. My parents are still together and so are a lot of other family members going on for 20+ years. 
I think honestly though that since "half" of marriages end in divorce people don't realize the seriousness of it. They get married and divorced just because they fall in love with someone else, or because they don't like their mate anymore. When you get married to someone, you take a vow. Unless its a really bad situation, you shouldn't get divorced. At least, see if you can make it work out. If you know you cant see yourself with one person, why get married in the first place?

People don't like not having a safety net. Having that 1 person is a safety net. As a dude, you are never guaranteed to suck another titty but if you have that one you will always have that 1 titty to suck.
And for women, you all won't agree with this, some of them don't want to LOOK lonely so they are willing to accept a garbage dude for the sake of saving face. Being 30+ and not being married isn't what they grow up dreaming of. So what do they do? Lower standards and date losers that they know they have no business dealing with. Why? For the sake of feeling like they are completing their life.

Like I said before, if people would stop following television's blueprint for what life it folks would be better off.

College

Marriage

Kids

Living in a House

Driving a Nice car.

All of those things.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Originally Posted by Mr K

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

Well first you can stop equating wanting to marry/settle down as maturing. How about we start there.

Second point, you should never be suprised at anyone breaking up no matter how lovey dovey they appear to be. Of course they want to appear to be that. Means nothing.

But to answer your question, I just think people have shifted their thought process in terms of what it means to love and be married. People like their freedom and don't subscribe to the KSteezy school of thought that tells humans you aren't a real adult unless you get married, live long life, and have kids and live peacefully. Folks like having fun and don't feel the need to give up their right to have fun.

I mean it can work but if it doesn't it doesn't mean you don't TRULY love someone. It just means it didn't work and you want something else.

so what you are saying is that you can't have fun once you are married?....ok buddy.

When I say have fun I am referring to eating other forbidden fruit. IE, dealing with other women/dudes that aren't your husband/wife. Not literally having FUN.

 

[mr k]

You must lead an example of a life DC, I'm intrigued bro...wonder what a day in te awesome life of DC is like..

 

[big j 33]

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

Well first you can stop equating wanting to marry/settle down as maturing. How about we start there.

Second point, you should never be suprised at anyone breaking up no matter how lovey dovey they appear to be. Of course they want to appear to be that. Means nothing.

I agree, especially with the second point. It's great that his aunt and uncle had a nice house, jobs, etc., but seeing someone "living the dream" does not mean they're happy or satisfied. Just because people's lives appear to be great doesn't mean it is.. just the same as someone who might not have a nice house, car, or make a lot of money, isn't necessarily unhappy or unfulfilled. 

 

[ricky409]

That's why I rocks with you, blink. You drop pics even when they're not needed.

As for me, I think marriage just isn't popping anymore because there are SO many choices of people.

Phonte said something along of the lines of "his grandma and. Grandpa made it because they HAD to. They didn't have the selection of people like we do"

I also think people rush into marriage, especially men, is because the general consensus is "you're immature if you don't"

Getting married proves just as much maturity as not buying Jordan's... aka ut doesn't prove !#@%.

But men being pressure from all directions pushes them to jump into marriages when they don't even know THEMSELVES and down the road, it breaks.

My third reason is people RARELY look at the back end of marriage ... they always look.a yje front
.

 

[All Ready]

people need to realize that marriage isn't a plug or patch

it's used as such way too often

proposing to a chick because you cheated on her, got her pregnant or for financial reasons is not the move

marriage is supposed to be an icing on the cake type joint not the answer to a problem

 

[mr k]

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

Originally Posted by Mr K

Originally Posted by DCAllAmerican

Well first you can stop equating wanting to marry/settle down as maturing. How about we start there.

Second point, you should never be suprised at anyone breaking up no matter how lovey dovey they appear to be. Of course they want to appear to be that. Means nothing.

But to answer your question, I just think people have shifted their thought process in terms of what it means to love and be married. People like their freedom and don't subscribe to the KSteezy school of thought that tells humans you aren't a real adult unless you get married, live long life, and have kids and live peacefully. Folks like having fun and don't feel the need to give up their right to have fun.

I mean it can work but if it doesn't it doesn't mean you don't TRULY love someone. It just means it didn't work and you want something else.

so what you are saying is that you can't have fun once you are married?....ok buddy.

When I say have fun I am referring to eating other forbidden fruit. IE, dealing with other women/dudes that aren't your husband/wife. Not literally having FUN.

Did you stop to think that different people have a different perception of what "fun" is??....I personally find more rewarding building on something with one woman, than to have meaningless dates, repeating the same routine that goes nowhere with different women for the sake of one thing, dem yambs.

 

[DCAllAfrican]

Originally Posted by Mr K

You must lead an example of a life DC, I'm intrigued bro...wonder what a day in te awesome life of DC is like..

Nah I just live the life that works for me. It isn't an example for anyone. That is all you Mr. Picture Perfect Husband 

But I am just saying that none of that stuff makes you an adult. Being married with kids doesn't make you more mature than the dude that wants to "have fun" until he is 50. I respect him more for not jumping into a relationship knowing he isn't ready.

Again, NT and their usage/thoughts on what is mature and isn't mature.

Originally Posted by Mr K

Did you stop to think that different people have a different perception of what "fun" is??....I personally find more rewarding building on something with one woman, than to have meaningless dates, repeating the same routine that goes nowhere with different women for the sake of one thing, dem yambs.

Like I said, when I said fun I was simply referring to being able to enjoy the company of other sexed indivudals. NOT your husband or wife because when you are married that is supposed to stop.  That is not me saying that only dealing with one woman is un-fun.

 

[mr k]

Originally Posted by All Ready

people need to realize that marriage isn't a plug or patch

it's used as such way too often

proposing to a chick because you cheated on her, got her pregnant or for financial reasons is not the move

marriage is supposed to be an icing on the cake type joint not the answer to a problem

Well said.

 

[b smooth 202]

I have no faith in any of these women....love your work...love your self....love the world.

 

[KMante]

Originally Posted by ricky409

Getting married proves just as much maturity as not buying Jordan's... aka ut doesn't prove !#@%.

+1 Marriage doesn't mean much maturity wise. I haven't thought that far down the road yet in terms of marriage. I really don't wanna know 

That dude was buggin' and making wild assumptions about buying Jordans in the other thread

 

 

[loskickking23]

I'm going through a divorce right now...Life goes on.. It is what it is... The funny part is that I would do it again eventually... Just make sure you know that person in and out before you do it.... Marriage Definatly ain't a bad thing but at the same time it's not for everybody IMO ...

 

[retrospect90]

I think we can all establish the fact that its FOR some people and its NOT for other people. It just depends on YOU!

I definitely agree though with the fact that it doesn't make you more of a person, or more better like you said DC. Money, Cars, Clothes, Education don't mean JACK! And I hate how people judge other people based on what they have.

But Ksteezy I appreciate what you have and hopefully I find someone that I can share the rest of my life with. If not though, it's cool.